And after the storms
by Foodwise
Summary: The final story following 'Mistakes' and 'Objects...'. Finally back at work and over worst of her grief, Eli has to learn to embrace the thought of really starting all over again... But life is what happens while you're busy making other plans, isn't it?
1. Prologue

**CSI:LV, M, Drama/Hurt/Comfort, Eli Trent & Sofia Curtis (and flashbacks including Sara, of course)**

**Disclaimer: CSI, its characters, places, and situations are the property of Jerry Bruckheimer Television, Alliance Atlantis, and CBS Productions. This story was written for entertainment not monetary purposes. Original characters, and this story, are intellectual property of the author. Any similarities to existing characters, fictional or real, living or dead, are coincidental and no harm is intended.**

**It is crucial to be aware of what happened in both 'Mistakes' and 'Objects in the rear view mirror', to understand what's going on here, since this story will be the last installment of a simple idea that turned into a three story arc.**

**I told ya, Eli won't get out of my head. And quite some things have been left unresolved. **

**This prologue is but a teaser. I honestly don't know when I will be able to follow up on it. I just wanted to let you know that I am still around, I just have a lot of stuff to deal with right now and barely find the time or peace of mind to write these days. A lot of this story has already been written and plotted out before things got stressful though, so what is left it is merely the (pretty) complicated and time-consuming task to put the pieces together and let the story grow into what I have had in mind ever since I was a couple of chapters into 'Objects'...**

**And once again for good measure: I am still not a native speaker. I really, really try to avoid common mistakes, I take great care to edit thoroughly to the best of my knowledge (and maybe I can even call on somebody's services to look upcoming chapters over), but please go easy on me anyway when there's still some things left to be desired. I'll be glad if you do point out anything odd you should stumble upon so I can correct it.I'll be elated about any kind of feedback.**

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><p><strong>And after the storms<strong>

**Prologue**

Detective Francis Wilczek was a humble man. He didn't need much to be content, he never had. Having grown up in Boston, second of five children Gracian and Martha Wilczek devoted their love and life to, third generation Polish immigrants, he knew what it meant to live a blue collar life. His father, a dockworker all his life until a heart condition more or less bound him to the old flower-patterned yellow and brown winged chair, the fabric darkened and worn soft by years of constant use, in front of the television, had worked like a dog to bring his children up decently, while his mother had been, in good Polish tradition, the housewife that kept the small apartment clean and the children well-fed and taught them manners, the language of their grandparents, and of course, how to cook, do the laundry and once become a suitable husband or wife.

He had a decent place to live, his Department issued Sedan right outside his front door, the San Francisco Chronicle on the living room table by six-thirty in the morning, just in time for his first cup of coffee of the day, a nice big TV in the living room right across from a comfortable sofa so he could follow his passion, baseball - the Boston Red Sox - almost religiously, and a job that he had just learned to really appreciate again, like in the days when he first worked Vice in Boston, before his personal life had taken a tumble down a steep flight of stairs...

"Kurde..." Francis Wilczek cursed in the language that was still deeply ingrained as he tried to adjust the straps of his velcro vest, his hands trembling ever so lightly, something he'd not experienced for a long time. It was good though. He felt it again. This thrumming that went through his whole body and heightened his senses. And he loved it. Yeah, finally he allowed himself to love it again.

While his older brother Andrew had gone to university on a football scholarship, but proved to be as incredibly smart as he'd shown all through high school and ended up at Johns Hopkins', and his next sister Katherine had made it to the Julliard, her talent for playing the piano so virtuously definitely inherited from their maternal grandmother, and with the youngest of the bunch, Natalia, who had definitely snatched away all the brains that should have been split between the remaining siblings and went off to Yale at 18 to become a lawyer, he and the second youngest, Gracian, Jr., had been left to do the less glamorous work part.

Not that they were particularly stupid, but scholarships and fancy dreams of grandeur had always been far outside their capabilities. They had other virtues. Gracian had always been overly fond of cars, and working as a mechanic was his very dream come true. He didn't earn the world, but it paid the bills and most importantly, it made him happy. When he was covered in grease smudges and smelled of motor-oil and gasoline, washing his calloused hands under the tab in the evenings, his world was complete.

He, Francis, had always been the brave and righteous one. He had gotten into trouble more than once defending someone weaker, bullied, mistreated, often with the raw power of his bare hands and not with words, like his mother had urged him to from earliest age, and he'd ended up in detention more times than he was able to recount. When he decided to join the Police Acadamy, his father had just smiled contently, not wondering the slightest about the path his son was so determined to take and his mother had thrown her hands up in horror, had muttered worriedly in Polish and had started to cry. Such a dangerous profession, she had held him close and stroked the hair back from his forehead as if he'd still been a five-year old. You're gonna get hurt, _kochanie,_ you are going to get yourself shot, all those gangs, the drugs, the violence on the street... _mój serce_! He'd returned the embrace, though he'd felt way too old to be held by his mother like that, and had soothed her. He'd be careful. And he'd take care of others, that was what he'd always done, always wanted to do. He'd make those streets a little safer to walk, day or night. He'd be careful. And she'd laughed through her tears and had kissed him, many times, before letting him go - finally - and telling him to make them proud.

And he had. When he had made Detective, she had dished up like it was Christmas and Easter all rolled into one day.

When he had gotten grazed by a bullet for the first time, she had cried the whole night through, even though he'd only needed a couple of stitches, a Tylenol and a stiff few Vodki to feel fine again.

When he announced that he'd marry, she tried to talk him into changing his profession, he was going to have children, he was going to be a father, and children needed their father alive and whole.

But he couldn't. He'd never be able to leave behind what meant the world to him. In retrospective, maybe he should've at least considered it. Should have at least slowed the pace at which he had been going at the time. But he hadn't and so he'd struggled through a marriage that soon had started to fall apart, his dedication to his job often overruling his common sense, days and nights spent at the Department leaving his lovely, beautiful, but only so far understanding wife Helen a grass widow too many days a month. When they couldn't manage to conceive, though they'd tried everything, she finally gave up and left him. Not for another man, but for her own sanity and happiness, she claimed.

He did the chivalrous thing, like he always had. He packed up a couple of boxes and bags, kissed her on the forehead, told her he did love her, no matter what and he understood, and filed for divorce, leaving the small house they had bought and most of the belongings to her.

Without telling anyone, not even his mother, he had asked for a relocation. Three days before he left for San Francisco, the city farthest away that had wanted him, he had sat them all down and told them. Again, his mother had cried and his father, despite the narrow lines of worry etched around his eyes, had smiled again. He just couldn't stay. He had failed them, failed his wife, failed to live up to the morals and values installed in him. He'd visit, he promised, every holiday he could arrange to get off. Always them. He loved them, with all of his broken heart that was left beating inside of his broad chest.

_Mama_, _kocham cie. _Ich liebe dich...

His glance darted through the observation van, everyone was checking their gear one last time before the operation would begin. He had found a family here, in San Francisco's Vice Department.

His eyes fixated on the one woman who had amazed him from the very moment he'd met her. Det. Elizabeth Trent whom he knew was not feeling as at home in his unit, Homicide Detective she had been both here before and then in Vegas, looked pale, exhausted, her clothes dirty and disheveled, her hair falling in greasy strains into her eyes, unkempt and messy, she smelled of booze and a day and night of hard physical labour, the Kevlar vest she was sporting now and the police insignia back at their rightful place on her belt a stark contrast to her scruffy appearance. But she had brought them here. She had more or less single-handedly made this night's operation possible. He'd been her contact while she'd been undercover and they had gotten to know each other beyond the needs of the assignment. He knew of her burden, and he shared it. His wife wasn't dead, but she might as well be, and he was just as heartbroken. He'd been so blind. He'd do anything to turn back time. But he'd been young, driven and oh so very ambitious, and he'd lost his focus. It was his fault. Trent was just a victim of circumstances of the worst kind. She had given it her all and had no one to blame but God himself. But she didn't. Just like she hadn't abandoned her mission.

And he knew she had considered to do so, more than just once. He knew of tough, hardened Vice-veterans who had copped out of less dangerous assignments. But Trent had pulled through. And given them more than enough to nail each and every one of those motherfuckers in one fell swoop.

Tonight.

He looked up again and directly into a pair of fiercely determined dark brown eyes. He held the gaze and blinked ever so slightly. The hint of a grim smile flashed across the pale female Detective's face in acknowledgement as she slammed the clip into her gun, loaded it through and clicked off the safety.

The tiny receiver in his ear cracked with static before the Chief's voice rang through, and he knew the game was on.

As his hands tightened around the cold and notched butt of his own Glock, he prayed that they'd all make it out alive...

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><p><strong>My Polish is rudimental at best... Barely good enough to say Hello and Thank you and Have a nice day and order a beer. So I apologize should I have butchered the language in the few brief uses.<strong>

**To be honest, I guess I need the incentive of knowing that I already published one chapter and people might be waiting for a continuation. Though it didn't work on other unfinished stories, with this one I am quite sure it will. I want to give this tale a proper ending and I hope it'll work like it already does in my head. Just give me some time...**


	2. Prologue Sofia

**Here's some more and there'll probably another chapter up later today. There's a kind of a longer stretch ahead of me with no days off, so just like I said, progress on this one will be slow, but it is happening.**

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><p><strong>Prologue Sofia<strong>

Lieutenant Sofia Curtis rested her head in one hand, her elbow propped up on her desk, reading the final report for an open and shut mugging gone wrong for the umpteenth time, the words becoming more blurred with each try, her concentration fading.

Maybe she really needed to visit an optician and check whether it was time for reading glasses.

She sighed deeply. She wasn't even forty. But if the blurring and the headaches were any indication, she should maybe let pride be damned and give it a shot.

Leaning back in her comfortable, overstuffed leather chair, she tilted her head to the sides, but nothing popped and she still felt overly tired.

Her glance fell on the empty desk just outside her office windows. The spot Eli had been wanting was free, all of a sudden, unexpectedly, Det. Morgan Frasier had won the freaking lottery and decided to open up a store for fishing goods, a dream he'd had since he was a little boy, or so he'd told her as he handed in his two week's notice.

But Eli wasn't reachable. She'd gone undercover, now almost three months ago.

Sofia was determined to wait, but she could only wait for so long, and no one could really tell her how much longer Eli would need, Vice would need to finally make their arrests.

She'd deliberately kept herself outside the official investigation, even where it crossed paths with homicide, it was Vice's deal and she didn't actually want to know too much about what Eli was dealing with. She was worried sick as it was, being kept in the loop at least a bit by a Vice Detective she found she trusted and who was Eli's contact. He managed to give her just enough information, and in a way that gave her at least a little room to breathe and sleep just that little bit less troubled at night.

But still, hell, she was worried.

Staring out into the busy pit, she remembered different times, vividly, when she and Eli had been sitting, working, laughing together in a different bullpen, in another city.

She wanted that back, and it might just be possible. Today's information was that they had reached a breaking point, the undercover assignment could come to an end soon. Could. Hopefully.

Times that felt like decades had passed since, yet it had not been much more than two years.

_"Oh God!" Eli groaned and fell into the chair behind her desk, rubbing her hands over her thighs in massaging motions before tilting her head first to the left, then to the right, creating snapping sounds that elicited another low moan._

_She reached for her mug, but scrunched up her face at the first sip of lukewarm and bitter coffee._

_"This is a fucking Monday..." She mumbled under her breath._

_"Actually, it's Thursday, but who cares, right?" Commented an amused voice. "Woke up on the wrong side of the bed?"_

_Sofia chuckled and approached Eli from the side, snagging the cup off the desk and walking over to the coffee station to provide Eli with a fresher and tastier caffeine infusion._

_"My saviour, my queen!" Eli drawled mock-dramatically as she took the beverage out of her friend's hand, immediately taking a swallow and hissing at the for once really hot coffee. "Ah, fuck me! Ouch! Could have warned me it's fresh."_

_Sofia squatted down on the visitor's chair and couldn't help but snort watching Eli fan air with her flattened hand towards her open mouth before she collapsed back into her chair, coffee abandoned on the desk._

_"Rough morning?" She asked wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. _

_Eli stared at her for a moment's hesitation, wondering whether the always observant blonde had somehow picked up on the minimal reminders Eli sometimes wore from the not so innocent encounters with her girlfriend. But the joking tone in Sofia's voice convinced her she just suspected the more usual and she shook her head._

_"It's not what you're thinking, blue balls. I'll just never try and keep up with Sara's morning run again. She's all effortless and light-footed, crushing mile upon mile, whereas I am just a huddle of weight and muscle, struggling for every yard after fifteen minutes. Damn pride. I just couldn't let her get away with it. My legs are burning like fire and my feet are killing me."_

_To illustrate the severity of her pain, she lifted one unusually sneaker instead of expensive leather shoe clad foot into the air, rolling her ankle._

_Though Sofia had huffed at the first sentence, now she downright snickered._

_"Poor baby. I got some magnesium tablets in my desk, want one? Or two?"_

_Eli proceeded rubbing her sore muscles and nodded thankfully._

_"Yeah, two please."_

_Soon the blonde returned with the blister and a glass of water._

_"By the way, did I tell you that as of late I actually do have quite the fulfilling love life? No reason for your comments anymore, Ms. tease."_

_Eli swallowed with some difficulty and stared at the smug expression on her friends face._

_"My, Ms. Curtis, who got into your tight pants? Have you given up on wearing that chastity belt?"_

_"Bitch!" Sofia snarled with a growl._

_"Yeah, sometimes... Now, spill it. First of all, guy or gal?" Eli laughed and rested her feet on the desk, looking at Sofia expectantly._

_"It's nothing serious, but provides some very welcome distractions. _She_'s- well, she's a tad bit younger, it's really kind of flattering."_

_"How much is a bit younger, Fia?" Eli demanded to know with a slight frown creasing her forehead, which increased to an incredulous expression at the way Sofia instantly blushed. "My god, you're blushing. Haven't see that happening in quite a while. Tell, me Sofia!"_

_"She's 26."_

_"You've got to be kidding me!" Eli rushed forward on her seat, pushing her legs off the table and leaning towards her friend._

_"You sure never cease to surprise me. Who the hell is that woman? How or better where did you meet someone that young? She's a good ten years younger than you are."_

_"Aw please! Are you suggesting I'm not able to attract even a younger person's interest?"_

_Eli tsked and furrowed her brows while she fidgeted with the seam of her vest._

_"You know I didn't mean it that way. You should see the way some of the young beat cops look at you. They're barely 25 and they are leering after their hot blonde Detective boss lady. And you sure don't need confirmation from me, I always thought you are beautiful and endearing, Sofia Curtis. Take it from a former pro, I think you could have almost anyone you wanted, man or woman."_

_"Charmer... But thanks anyway. And just to satisfy your curiosity, she's my freakin' landlords daughter. Since he doesn't reside in Vegas, she's kinda my residential manager. I had a pipe burst three weeks ago and she came by to check on the repairs. She's a bit of a snob, wears her pantsuit like an armour, but somehow we just clicked. I think goes off on the whole cop wielding a gun and chasing after suspects thing, but who cares. It's casual, she's hot and..."_

_"O-kay... Affair with hot yuppie. Who would have guessed?" Eli braced the sudden outburst with a loud laugh. "Wow, you're whipped, Fia. I'm happy for you, even if it's nothing serious. You've more than earned it to have a bit of fun."_

_The beaming smile on Sofia's face faded for an instant and made room for a defeated expression that lingered for a fraction of a second before the smile was back, though calmer._

_"Thanks, Eli. But no stupid jokes about looking tired. I have too much inside information about you, too, my dear. It will backfire! Though she is a piece of work."_

_Eli laughed and held her stomach as her abused muscles screamed loudly._

_"Don't worry. I have my own piece of work at home. And it's glorious. We should stock up on magnesium and energy bars."_

_Both women chuckled when Brass entered the pit, effectively ending their break with two new cases._

_Before Eli left the squad room though, she pulled the shorter woman into a quick embrace and pecked her on the cheek. "The real thing will come along. Enjoy what you have. You know I love you, right? I'll always have your back."_

_Sofia squeezed back with a laugh and a sigh, reveling in the fact just how good her best friend knew her and her blue eyes met Eli's brown. "So do I, and thank you."_

She rubbed her eyes, took a sip from her water and chased the memories away. After another three tries she'd finally worked her way through the report, signed it and closed the folder.

Enough. She'd call it a day and simply go home, try to catch up on some sleep. Shut off that damn police scanner, she didn't even want to know if and when something was going to go down.

She just hoped soon would really mean soon.

She just hoped nothing would go wrong...


	3. Prologue Eli

**Some more. Just to get this rather oddly long introduction over with. **

**Don't forget to let me know what you think, point out mistakes or simply raise your hand and let me know someone's still with me, I'd love to know.**

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><p><strong>Prologue Eli<strong>

This was it, finally! After almost three months of living in a constant state of high alert, constantly looking over her shoulder for fear of getting caught, slipping up and ultimately screwing up at any moment. Three months of creeping around, taking photos, rummaging through warehouses and hacking into computers to clone vital evidence. Hopefully… if all went well… hopefully today it would all pay off.

Three months of doing dock work during the day, spending almost every night behind the bar in that run-down strip joint.

No more of any of that, never again. She'd be going home.

Eli ran a hand through too long and greasy hair, then slipped the bulletproof vest over her murky old hoodie and fastened the straps at the side, checked her gun and listened for the instruction of the SWAT and K-9-units before climbing into the old observation van, where she sat down opposite the only friendly face she'd constantly seen during the past months.

Every time she'd been in danger those past months, she'd thought of things she'd experienced in the past, moments that had been full of life and joy, of friends or of love, of moments when her life had been colourful and perfect.

The Slovenian girl, abducted from her country, drugged, raped and finally tossed out of a moving car on a dirt road just outside Frisco that had started the whole assignment was constantly on her mind, especially now that her traffickers, captors and abusers were about to pay, and brought back the memory of the moment when Sara had changed her mind. About children. Eli wondered briefly if she'd be a parent by now had Sara lived.

It all had started after a discussion she'd had with Sofia in the PD.

_"I'm a bit worried about Sofia." Eli stated while she stirred the polenta with one hand, while the other reached for the coke can Sara had just opened for her. "Thanks, love."_

_"Why?" Sara returned to the kitchen counter and resumed chopping up vegetables for the salad._

_"I don't know really, it's more of a gut feeling. She's having an affair, with a much younger woman that is. I think it's good for her, but then I know she'd rather find someone to settle down with, you know? As devoted as she is to her job, as much as she's fighting to become Lieutenant soon, I know that she'd also love to have a family. A kid. We're not getting any younger, none of us. I think it's only legitimate to wonder about what the future could hold. God knows I do."_

_"Eli? How did we get from Sofia's love life to your future."_

_"Our future, Sar."_

_"Okay." Sara stopped prepping and turned fully towards her girlfriend, who was still absent-mindedly stirring. "You'll burn the polenta, sweetness."_

_"No, it's on low." Seeing how Eli was still lost in thought, Sara pressed her lips to a tight line and walked over to wrap her arms around Eli from behind._

_"What about our future then? I can see, almost hear you mulling over stuff in that big brain of yours. Care to share?"_

_Leaning just the slightest bit back, Eli sighed._

_"I don't know. It's too early. And then again not. But I think I know your opinion and I'd rather keep the dream alive for some more time. Let's just finish dinner. The zucchini should be done."_

_Knowing that when Eli was like that, it was futile to dig further, Sara released her hold and went to finish the salad._

_But she couldn't help but think about Eli words throughout the whole dinner. They still had plenty of time before their respective shifts would start and she just couldn't delay considering all the questions that had formed in her head any longer._

_So while they loaded the dishwasher, she paused and simply watched her partner._

_Eli had been talking about having children, that much was clear. Just like that she was thinking Sara would be completely opposed to the idea. In general, she was. She didn't see herself as good mother material. She'd never get complete rid of the anxiety that lurked beneath the surface, the fear she'd become just like her parents, that she wouldn't be able to handle it. Well, not exactly like them, but impatient, stressed out, too harsh, too strict. Maybe even more. She'd always wondered if, after all, it was in her genes. But that was then. Before Eli. Before she'd found someone she wanted, planned to spend the rest of her life with. Someone who would be a magnificent parent. Someone who could be so very patient when she wanted or felt it was necessary. Someone who could be authoritative, but equally loving. Caring. Devoted to a fault. Someone who had so much go give, to teach. Someone that would balance out all her own insecurities. Someone, who's child she'd love to see grow and blossom. The thought of a little Eli running around the house in San Francisco, playing soccer in the backyard, Eli telling good night stories with her warm timbre, her flawless intonation when she changed her voice to create a unique tone for every character in the story, or singing a lullaby warmed her heart in ways she'd never thought possible. _

_Why do you never notice when change happens? With Eli by her side, she'd be able to parent a child. She'd be able to set her fears aside and just go with it. It wasn't like she had nothing to give as well. She just would have to learn how to do it. But wasn't that what it's like for everyone? You can read up on information, but in the end you learn as you go along. _

_Sara watched Eli unwrap the dishwasher tablet and start the machine, then wash her hands in the sink and turn towards the fridge to get another can of coke. She let her gaze wander over the woman in front of her. She'd done it hundreds of times before when Eli didn't notice, just look at her._

_The graceful strength in Eli's every movement, her well-defined, though a bit stout form, the play of the tendons in her hands, the smooth line of her jaw and her prominent cheekbones, her beautiful mouth, the beginning of wrinkles forming around her eyes when she smiled and her dimples. Her warm, chocolaty gaze. The ink colouring her toned shoulders and upper arms, the arch of her back, her firm and well-rounded backside, her stomach, not flat but so sexy, the swell of her breasts and up over her clavicle to her throat. Sara's gaze grew more and more heated, the implication of what her musings meant for their future together let want flare up inside of her. An all consuming need to show Eli exactly what she meant to her, what she'd changed, what she'd made possible. Sara's breath quickened and desire welled through her like a tidal wave she was unable to withstand._

_"Eli." Her own voice sounded foreign to her ears, tinged with desperation almost._

_The short haired woman turned instantly and gasped at the smoldering gaze she was faced with._

_"Er, Sar?" Eli hadn't missed the silent contemplation going on in Sara's head and knew she had thrown enough hints Sara's way that she knew what Eli had been talking about. They didn't necessarily have all the time in the world, but yet enough to allow Sara the luxury to take her time to really think about it. This reaction though, Eli hadn't anticipated._

_"Yes. Not today, not tomorrow, but one day not too far in the future, yes. We'll have a child. I want to have a child with you. We'll talk about it, I promise, but right now, all I want is you."_

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><p><em>Eli winced as she fell full of verve into her desk chair just to practically jump right up again. Smoothing her little problem over, she yawned and reached for her coffee cup, catching Sofia's glance from across the room.<em>

_"Been jogging again?" The blonde smirked and wiggled her eyebrows._

_"Shut up!" Eli just muttered and proceeded to the coffee machine, taking ginger steps, shaking out her legs as she went._

_"I'll never get used to seeing you like that. What exactly does she do to you every time you're barely able to sit down?" Sofia's snort earned her an annoyed glare._

_"None of your fucking business!" Eli spat and turned her back towards her friend, filling her mug with the near black liquid and adding an even for her rather unusually large amount of sugar. She hadn't noticed Sofia walking up behind her and almost did a double take when a low voice whispered in her ear._

_"If I wasn't so damn sure it's not the case, I'd suspect you've been on the receiving end of a rather rough treatment all these times. Tell me, my friend, does a certain figure of speech apply to you? You're always so butch, you know?"_

_Eli shivered involuntarily, every single part of her body still felt hypersensitive and a warm breath down her neck wasn't really beneficial._

_"Sofia!" She warned in a sing-song voice._

_"Uhh, goose bumps. God, you're still turned on." Taking a step back, the older Detective grinned mischievously._

_Eli shrugged the unwelcome sensation that ran down her spine off and took a long gulp from her cup, contemplating. Taking a look around in the squad room, she was pleased that it was surprisingly empty before she turned and slowly but determined cornered the still snickering woman between the copy machine and a supplies shelf._

_"How come I still sometimes get the feeling you're toying with me, Curtis? Wouldn't you like to know how this butch behaves in the sheets? I'll tell you..." Without getting close enough to touch, yet equally near to the blonde's ear as she'd just been to hers, Eli sucked in a well-measured and slightly staccato breath, then spoke, releasing the air slowly from her mouth. "I'm _loud_, Sofia, Sara can hear my reaction to every single thing she does to me. There's few things I don't do when it comes to sex. You wanna know what I did today? I got down on my knees and-" she blew into the blondes ear and then pressed her lips together to suppress a chuckle as her friend visibly trembled._

_Quickly, she stepped back, ignoring the soreness, and snatched her jacket off her chair to put it on, before sparing the blonde another pointed glance._

_"Now who's turned on, Sofia?"_

_In a completely untypical gesture, Sofia slapped her shoulder a couple of times in a really girly way and huffed._

_"You're playing dirty, Eli. The fact that I think you're attractive will never change, so I can't help reacting to you when you do stupid stuff like that. Don't ever do that again or I won't be held responsible for my actions."_

_Eli grinned and blew her friend a raspberry._

_"Stop asking me about my sex life and I'll never resort to these measures again. That's easy, you nosy minx!"_

_"Spoilsport!"_

_"Have fun with your P.Y.T. later, cougar. Or did she already wear you out?" Eli winked and fled the room at a break-neck speed when a few packs of sugar went flying after her retreating figure and Sofia yelled: "Just for your information, she hasn't and she won't. I don't lack stamina like you seem to."_

_But Eli was already down the hallway, flinching with every step. But damn, had the two hours before she and Sara had to go in for work be worth the little discomfort._

Eli smiled melancholically as she let the memories claim her for just a minute. Right now, it felt good to take action. It felt good to know that whatever happened tonight, come sunrise she'd be back in her own place, taking a long, hot, desperately needed shower. Sleep on a soft mattress and wear reasonable clothing again.

She'd missed her home. She'd missed proper food. She'd missed going to the gym. She'd missed soft towels and satin sheets. She'd terribly missed good coffee. And she'd missed Sofia. She was in dire need of a healthy dose of humour and pleasant, thoughtful conversation. She'd missed the familiarity of being surrounded by a friend when she needed one or just didn't want to be alone or simply share time and space. She'd missed chatting in the park with Andrew over a beer in the evening.

She'd missed everything.

She looked up and studied the broad-shouldered man sitting across from her. If there was one good thing about this assignment other than hopefully getting those girl-trafficking, murderous, immoral sons of bitches behind bars, it'll be having met and gotten to know Det. Francis Wilczek. He had grounded her, with his no-nonsense approach to her findings and all the incidents she'd been through in this short time, his constant support and moral upholding, his reminders of why she did what she did, and finally them sharing their stories in the semi-darkness of side alleys and shady bars, then in the harsh light of a hospital room when she'd almost thrown the towel, waved the white flag, and he had come by, held her bandaged hand, and they had talked for hours, despite the danger of blowing her cover should he be running into her 'employer', who'd also been checking on her.

She and Francis, they were two of a kind. So very different yet so very much alike.

When their eyes met briefly, the tension in the van growing, and Eli checking her gear one last time, she felt a confidence and determination she had long into the assignment only pretended to have got. This was it. She'd walk in there and bring them down, one by one, with her bare hands if she had to. Their secrets were out. She had brought them out, yet they didn't know shit yet, they wouldn't know what hit them when they'd be swarming in. She'd gladly kick her boss' for three months ass into tomorrow and then feed him in bits and pieces to the K-9s. Bloody hell. Adrenaline was one fine drug.

Suddenly orders were barked over the small communicator in Eli's ear and she was instantly wide awake and in the here and now again, muscles tensed, senses on high alert, ready to jump out of the van at any second and storm the building.

Finally, finally, showtime...

Eli didn't hear the angered yells of warning and futile tries to stop her behind her any more than she registered the crunch of the gravel beneath the soles of her chucks on the concrete as she hit the ground running, nor the barking of the German Sheppard as he gave mouth on a drug finding, or the firing of guns in other parts of the warehouse. She just heard the rhythmic pounding of her heartbeat loudly in her ears as she pushed through splintering, dry wood, cardboard, and plaster, the less than solid wall between her and a suit-clad, desperately trying to escape mobster giving away almost too easily under the sheer force of her speed and will. Glass suddenly burst into tiny shards above her, quickly becoming shrapnel that cut through fabric and left angry red lines on her forearms which she used to shield her eyes and the bare skin of her neck, as the one of the big bosses, she knew immediately as he'd turned briefly, shot out the windows above her and pushed shelves over to his left and right, making entire rows collapse between him and the Detective. Eli didn't stop, didn't even slow down as she dodged metal bars and pushed off falling stuff, she only clenched her teeth as the edge of something sharp ripped through her hoodie and broke the skin of her shoulder below, or as a box of small metal cylinders spilled down on her, rolling around her feet, daring her to slip.

She didn't.

There was seemingly nothing that could have stopped Eli in her pursuit. Not the first bullet of some rounds he fired blindly over his shoulder that hit her square in the chest and sank deep into Kevlar, stealing almost all her breath at once and making her stagger, but just briefly, not the second that hit her vest at the ribs, sending a fiery flash of pain through her body as she, still gloriously free of any fear and pumped up by adrenaline running through her veins in abundance, felt she was finally close enough and pushed off the ground, leaping after the cursing and panting man, grabbing his trouser leg in falling, forcing his stumble. As his knees hit the floor she was already behind his back, dodging his flailing elbow, grabbing him around neck and slamming his face into the floor. He cried out and bucked, desperately reaching for the gun he had let go of to brace the impact of his initial fall with his hands, but Eli twisted her hip and kicked the semi-automatic far out his grasp with the heel of her shoe before ramming her knee into the small of his back to keep him pinned down. The gash above his eyebrow bled profusely and recognition settled in his eyes as he turned and they made contact with his opponent, surprise and astonishment passing through them in rapid succession, but instantly his forehead acquainted itself with wet concrete again and he was out cold.

Her grip on his slack arms was still steely, and only as the cuffs clicked shut did Eli realise the extent of her exhaustion and the pain thrumming through her body. Slowly she dropped to the side, gasping as her torso made contact with the hard ground, her last glimpse that of a frantic, panicked Francis who slid to a stop beside her on his knees before everything went black.


	4. 1 Back home

**I know, I'm not supposed... The public telling off and stuff, but... Without _Icklebitodd_ calling me out on the original version of this chapter, I would never have noticed where I did go utterly into the wrong direction for what was intended to be conveyed in this chapter. A slightly heated, yet humorous exchange later I rewrote, at first grudgingly, though reformed, and I couldn't be more happy with the result. Hence the public... you know... It's not like folks are still reading. This is still practically just between you and I. Thank you for putting up with me. For arguing and laughing with me. For making lists of things we'll probably never get to do. Anyway, let the list grow ever longer. For inserting your tidbits of utter wisdom and great alternative formulations, corrections and cringes at my choice of words or depictions into the versions you send me back. For your infinite patience with all my idiosynchrasies. Just, thank you. Yeah. This will be it, I promise. Until the credits roll, okay?  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>1. Back home<strong>

"What?" The pitch in Sofia's voice was high and squeaky. "Wilczek, are you freakin' kidding me? Was she even supposed to be there?"

For a moment there was silence at the other end of the line, before the addressed Det. from the Vice Unit spoke again.

"Lieutenant Curtis, it was her assignment, of course she was supposed to be there and though I only met Det. Trent five months ago, I know - and I know you do, too - if she can get a front row seat, she'll take it. SWAT went in and we followed. But she knew the most important faces by heart and immediately went after them. The bodyguards took the first round of fire and the bosses ran. And so did Eli. And we got'em, Ma'am, _she_ got them. So she took a round or two, but she wore her vest, she's okay. A few scratches and bruises, some stitches. But she'll be fine."

He didn't mention Eli had passed out, though she'd quickly come to again. He didn't add that she had checked herself out of the hospital ADO, having spent enough time there already during the past three months, directly after the initial examination, when it was clear that she'd suffered no internal injuries from the bullets' impacts. He didn't dare.

Sofia fell back into her desk chair and took a deep breath. Taking into account the events of the past five years, she'd almost expected much worse. Francis words had fulfilled their purpose, they left Sofia relieved.

"Where is she?"

Det. Francis Wilczek couldn't suppress a smile and he was pretty glad he wasn't facing the fierce boss of Homicide directly. Everyone in the Department knew Trent and Curtis were close, but no one even dared to speculate just how close. The handsome Vice Detective with the broody stare and still sometimes so sad eyes and the beautiful and extremely capable Homicide Lieutenant. Dark and light. Smoldering amber fire and clear blue ice.

During his time being Eli's contact while she had been undercover he'd learned a lot about the newest addition to Vice, apart from the obvious. The obvious being that Trent was as good with a gun and in hand-to-hand combat as any man, strong, lean, muscular and extremely tenacious, her boyish looks and mannerisms outing her immediately, yet surprisingly she'd been accepted fairly well by the guys on the unit that were known for their tendency for rough-housing and teasing colleagues, and not always subtly or very _nicely_. The obvious also being that Trent somehow seemed to belong to a world neither of them would ever be able to even catch a glimpse into. She was loaded. She didn't need to be a cop. She didn't need to risk her life for a salary that was mediocre at best. In the world she'd been born into you prove your worth by marrying inside your own circles, looking fabulous in a cocktail dress and throwing parties where the average Detective couldn't even afford the first course or the glass of dry champagne that was served along with it. But Trent had none of those arrogances about her. Sure, her usual wardrobe made his own off the rack suit look like he'd purchased it at a thrift store, but she never bragged nor even acknowledged their differences. Eli Trent was honest, hard-working, dedicated and had after just two months on the unit agreed to go on an undercover mission that had made even her superior's toes curl at the thought of what could possibly all go wrong. And she'd nailed it. It had taken some time and some rather awkward sacrifices on Eli's part, but last night's operation had been a huge success. She was a damn valuable asset and he'd hate to see her go some day to join Homicide again, where he knew she was desperate to return to.

"She's been taken to the ER to get stitched up and checked and then she's gone straight home. The Chief personally ordered her to take two days off, just to mail her report and everything else will be talked about afterwards."

The second wave of relieve that flooded through Sofia was even more powerful and left her almost boneless in her chair.

"Thank you for calling, Detective. I really owe you for keeping me in the loop all this time."

Wilczek smiled again and hoped it was mirroring in his tone.

"You're welcome, Ma'am. I know that it's hard to have a friend on a mission. The no-contact policy sucks, but we all know it's necessary. For safety's sake. I think she's just as glad that it's over. You should see her. Almost unrecognisable. She did a fantastic job. Good-bye, Lieutenant."

Sofia placed the receiver back on the phone and stared at the load of paperwork that still occupied most of her desk. Her shift had only just begun and she had a staff meeting in less than two hours. She couldn't really afford to leave right now. But it had to have perks to be the boss, didn't it?

Three months. Three months of having worry always in the back of her mind, of broken and restless sleep and waiting for Wilczek to call with news. Three months of burying herself in work just so she didn't have to think about the dangers of Eli's assignment too much. Three months without having breakfast together or the occasional dinner. Without going out or having a movie night in. Another three long and empty months without her best friend.

She jumped up, snatched her jacket off the back of her chair and stuffed phone and keys into its pockets. Closing her office door, she shouted in passing at the desk-sergeant next to her.

"Crowley, I've had something important come up, I'll be gone for at least two hours, postpone the team-meeting to the early afternoon, if I won't be able to make it 'til then, I'll call in time."

The older man's head snapped up in surprise before sharply responding 'Yes Ma'am'.

* * *

><p>Sofia could feel her heart almost beating out of her chest as she waited for the old goods-elevator in Eli's building to come crawling from what felt like above the top floor down to the basement. So, so slow. What took the damn thing so long?<p>

She shifted from one foot to the other, all but mentally urging the old mechanics to move just a bit quicker. Staring at the key ring in her hands, she fidgeted with them nervously before stuffing them impatiently back into her pant pocket, not really wanting to think about her previous brief visits. She had her own keys to Eli's place because she'd taken care of flowers and the mail, but had carefully avoided spending too much time in Eli's space.

It was just too quiet there. It didn't even smell right. It wasn't like she hadn't been on her own in Eli's loft before, but then Eli's return had always just been a matter of a few short hours. Those last couple of months there had been no telling when Eli'd be back. It was like she could feel the absence of her friend physically, and it hurt. What loomed more than anything above her was the undeniable fear that there was just too much that could go wrong. Going undercover wasn't child's play. It was serious business. And... losing Eli was something Sofia didn't even dare think about.

The lift rattled to a halt and Sofia ripped the heavy door open and let it clank into its lock behind her, punching the top button once, then jabbing it another couple of times just for good measure, although the robes already creaked as her command set the steel barred cage into motion. Again her hand found its way to the keys, and she jingled them in the depth of her pocket. Knock or just let herself in?

All trepidation that had weighed heavy on her heart vanished as she reached Eli's floor and a wide, anticipatory smile spread across her lips during the few steps it took her to reach the front door.

She did knock in the end, and about five seconds later the door flew wide open and before she could even really acknowledge Eli's sheer presence, she was swept off her feet into a hug that knocked the wind out of her, she was being lifted high up and practically carried into the wide living area of the loft.

And so she cried without feeling shameful about the fact that those tears escaped so easily as the last of her worries seeped out of her upon feeling that this indeed was real. She buried her face in damp, _long_, wavy hair that smelled of the so familiar shampoo Eli always used und her hands reached into it to hold Eli close while her legs wound around a slim waist.

There was warmth and the constant rise and fall of a chest pressed tightly to hers, there was the unmistakable uttering of one of Eli's 'happy'-sounds, strong hands squeezing her sides where Eli held on to her, and the air escaped her lungs in a rush, a sigh as much elated as relieved, and eternally thankful.

Eli just kept holding on effortlessly albeit a bit stunned and chuckled, staying still in the middle of the room that was lit brightly by the morning sun with faint dust wavering in the beams. A burning cigarette in the ashtray on the kitchen counter added its smoke that curled up into the slightly stale air and the smell of freshly brewed coffee wafted around them while the soft tones of the radio on low were the only thing permeated the silence between them. Everything that had been missing while Eli had been gone, it was there again, and it engulfed Sofia with a sense of comfort that she found no comparison for, not in recent years, the only thing that came close were memories of her childhood home, of a safety that knew no threats by the time. Until Eli muttered into Sofia's hair, her voice even more hoarse than before she'd gone under.

"I missed you, too, Fia."

She bit back the joyous sob that dared to escape, and her fingers bunched up the fabric of Eli's shirt, digging a bit into the bare skin beneath.

Sofia just didn't want to let go. Just until she was absolutely sure that she had her back, that she'd not vanish under her touch, out of her arms again. Her cheek rested half on the soft skin of Eli's shoulder, half on her tank, and the tears still escaping her eyes were wetting the material.

So close. So warm. More than ever before when she had ended up in Eli's arms and their affectionate embrace, she never wanted to leave them again, not wanting to be anywhere else but right where she was.

She sniffled, slowly raising her head and bringing it up to meet Eli's eyes. They were clear, and sparkling with a similar happiness, despite the faint dark circles underneath them. Yet there were more signs of not only fatigue, but also of Eli's face-off the previous night. Running her hands down bare upper arms Sofia found them riddled with small scratches and cuts, just like parts of her face, neck and throat bore, and one particularly nasty cut that had needed a few carefully placed stitches, she suddenly realised fully what Eli must have through just a few hours earlier, then heard the laboured breathing and felt the bandage around Eli's ribs. She uncrossed her legs behind the small of Eli's back and slid back down to her feet, releasing her hold on the taller woman.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry, oh shit, Eli, sorry."

Eli looked at her perplexed, brows furrowed, still half smiling.

"You're injured. I completely forgot. You've been hit in the vest and I know how much that hurts, you must have bruised ribs..."

But Eli just laughed and brought Sofia back against her body as she tried to take two more steps backwards.

"And I couldn't care less. Right now, everything is fine and nothing hurts, trust me, Fia." Eli paused as she rolled her eyes. "Okay, those painkillers they gave me in the hospital might play just as big a part as seeing you again. Now tell me you missed me too and make some joke about my hair and scold me for having lost weight and then we can have breakfast together, okay? Just us, just like I've wished for all these weeks, countless times."

The moisture immediately shot back into Sofia's eyes and she melted into Eli's arms again, nestling her face into the nape of Eli's neck.

"Of course I missed you. So much, as you are well aware of. And I don't care if you've grown a beard and gained 40 pounds, I'm just glad you're back safe."

She looked up and into Eli's eyes, noticing that indeed for the very first time in all these years her friend's hair was so long that still wet strains of hair had fallen into her face. Lifting her hand, she gently tucked them behind Eli's ear.

"You're back." She whispered.

It was stating the obvious, but she just had to say it out loud.

Eli grinned stupidly and ran her knuckles across Sofia's cheek, then turned her hand and cradled the side of the blonde's face in her palm, eyes still firmly set on Sofia's own.

"I am."

When Sofia leaned slightly into the caress, Eli exhaled a long-held breath and chuckling, dropped the softest of kisses into blonde hair, close to the forehead that had just given up on forming perpetual lines of worry, and repeated, as merely a whisper, more to herself than anything. "Yeah, I am."

* * *

><p>They sat at the counter in Eli's kitchen in comfortable silence. The still radio played Eli's usual rock station in the background and the only sound Eli emitted was some humming now and then, in between sips of her favourite blend of coffee.<p>

Sofia could do nothing but stare, the fresh croissant on her plate and the jar of self-made strawberry jam long forgotten. It had already been strange watching Eli prepare for the assignment, starting now almost five months ago, just weeks after she joined the PD again and worked rather successfully in Vice. She'd begun to change her accent. The Californian had vanished to make room for a more southern drawl Eli pulled off like she'd been a native. She'd stopped going to the hair stylist, no more monthly appointment. She'd gone shopping and on the day the assignment had started, Sofia had almost not recognised her friend. Well, of course she had, she just couldn't believe her eyes when she took in what Eli was wearing.

Plain blue jeans, not faded, not stone-washed, that looked suspiciously like Wal-Mart, a tee with a horrific dragon tribal, a worn out dirty grey hoodie, almost two sizes too big and cheap sneakers, already broken in and scuffed at the toes. Her bag was equally old and hideous; she wore none of her own jewellery, just a 20 bucks digital Casio around her left wrist. No ring, no chain, none of her usual trademarks. Instead she'd replaced the elegant onyx-stud in her ear with a cheap silver creole you could buy from any street dealer on flea markets.

Even her stance and walk were different. Eli didn't swagger, glide anymore, she shuffled her feet and slouched her shoulders instead of maintaining her straight back and always imposing posture. She'd slipped from the world she grew up in straight through the world she lived in into one that she had never really seen from the inside, but knew well enough due to her job to give an impersonation that was utterly convincing.

It had looked absolutely genuine.

Now Eli was simply after-work Eli again. The person only close friends ever got to see. Relaxed, all the tension of the past months was almost visibly seeping out of her body, wondrous what one hot shower, a razor, a good face scrub, the right beauty product and tweezers could do.

One of those once again very shapely eyebrows rose now and Eli cocked her head, smirking at Sofia, who was still lost in thought.

"Wanna talk about it?"

Sofia started and her eyes cleared.

"Not really. Do you?"

Eli's smile faded under the scrutiny of her friend and turned into a frown.

"No, not really."

"That bad?"

A sigh.

"I've seen a lot of stuff those past months, Hun. Stuff I know is happening every day, and sometimes we're faced with the repercussions. But I never lived that life. I never witnessed any of that first hand. The worst was… I could do absolutely nothing about it. Without risking to blow my cover. I just had to sit it out and watch it happen. Drugs, domestic violence, child abuse, pimping. Felonies all over the place! I witnessed an armed robbery in a convenience store, every fiber of my moral, ethical, and professional being itched to grab the perp, but I couldn't, it would have broken my cover. Instead I crouched down behind a display of microwavable popcorn until the cops arrived. They were of course too late." She sighed. "He'd long made his escape out the back door by then. My only consolation was that I could at least tip the officers off. He lived just a couple of apartments over, same building. The way that cop looked at me. Taxed me. Like I was a criminal, too, just because I 'lived' there. They couldn't know I was a cop, too. It was humiliating and I can only guess how those feel who never manage to get out of that quarter, yet still try to make a decent living. Work their asses off in some 7/11 or factory or diner. Who treat their kids well and send them to school, teach them morals and hope they don't get corrupted by the neighbourhood they grow up in. But never make enough money to move elsewhere. Whose kids will never see a college from the inside unless they get in on some kind of scholarship. It was harrowing having to watch that, day in, day out. I have never been more thankful for everything I have, I always had."

Eli fell silent and snatched another cigarette out of the almost empty box. Her fourth since Sofia had arrived.

The blonde just noted that fact to mention another time, but kept quiet and observed Eli closely. Knowing that hadn't been it yet. Knowing there was far more to come.

"I know that Francis kept you in the loop. But he also didn't tell you everything. I've been in hospital, twice during those three months."

Eli shifted on her chair and raised her tank. An ugly, ragged and still flaming red scar cut through the pattern on her abdomen and ribs and vanished underneath the bandage.

Sofia sucked in a sharp breath.

"Bread knife. Three weeks in, I visited a customer of my boss. Next door to him, there was a scuffle inside the flat. I heard a woman scream and beg for mercy. I just reacted. I banged on the door and yelled that I'd call the police. All I got was a 'Get lost, that's none of your fuckin' business'. I already had the cell in hand when I heard a baby wail. I kicked in the door, just to find a guy beating up and trying to rape his wife or girlfriend or whatever. I pulled him off her, he tried to throw a punch at me but I ducked, hit him square in the face. The little fucker grabbed for the next weapon, a bread knife, and caught me across the ribs. I was lucky he didn't stab but slash. My next punch knocked him out. I managed to call it in. 21 stitches. He fucked up my tat. Son of a bitch!"

"Eli..."

Blue eyes, so worried, almost horrified gloomed at her and Eli knew, one more look into them and she wouldn't be able to finish telling Sofia about all of it. And she had to. Sofia needed to know. She would need someone to talk to, so she needed Sofia to listen to the very end.

"No. Wait. Because the second one was worse. I had the night shift at the bar I worked in. The boss, one of the fixers for the guys we wanted to get, posed the big spender and gave out lines to his employees. To get through the night easily, because we had to get to the docks in the morning to unload a container." Eli looked up from the crumb on the counter she'd been staring at while speaking, just to find that Sofia's face had turned hard, her eyes worried. Biting her lower lip, her eyes begging for sympathy before they dropped back to the countertop, Eli went on. "I had no choice, so I took it. Anything else would have been suspicious. Everyone did some drug or another. But coke slows my reactions. Always has. I had an ugly customer that night. Groping waitresses and the other girls, drinking like there was no tomorrow and when he tried to get off without paying, I confronted him. Not the wisest thing to do, I know. I underestimated him terribly. He must've been a boxer or something. Beat me into a pulp. Still kicked me when I was already on the floor, going on about those fucking dykes. Bruised a couple of ribs, gave me a concussion, hell, he nearly broke my jaw. I was one giant bruise for about two weeks. Couldn't sit, lie down or anything without almost crying out in pain. My boss though, he thought I was some bad ass motherfucker. Promoted me to take over nights. Never said a word when I told him I'd rather have a free shot from time to time than more coke. They made me stay for four nights in the hospital to monitor my concussion. He had smashed my head into the edge of the bar." Eli turned and brushing some hair away from her left temple, Sofia once more saw remnants of a rather fresh couple of stitches. "I swear, it's all true when they speak of seeing stars and a white light. For a moment I thought that was it. I'm gonna die on the dirty floor of a run-down strip club. In a puddle of my own vomit."

Sofia's eyes were wide, scared and so full of compassion, and she had gripped Eli's hand tightly on the countertop. Eli shifted to entwine their fingers, naturally, comforting.

"Hey, but I'm okay now. And don't be mad with Wilczek. He only did what I told him to do. I knew you were worried sick anyway, no reason to add fuel to that fire, huh, Fia? I learnt my lesson. I'll never go undercover again. _Really _not my kind of thing."

The silence stretched between them. Bringing a hesitant hand up to Eli's graying temple, right where the scar marred the skin, Sofia almost didn't dare to touch her friend. When she did, and ran her fingers through the soft, now dried hair, it occurred to her that Eli was watching her intently, all but holding her breath. She let the touch linger, ever so softly her fingertips followed the narrow, short line the scar would be leaving once it faded, then over the shell of Eli's ear, her jaw line, the other fresh cuts, feeling the muscles underneath her touch work, until her fingers slipped off Eli's face at the tiny cleft in her chin.

Sofia stared intently into wary and guarded brown eyes, searching them for something she couldn't find in them, before she lowered her gaze and started to speak.

"I want you back in homicide."

Eli just laughed and squeezed her friend's still tingling hand.

"I'd love to work with you again. It'd be great if you were my boss. But..."

"No." Sofia cut Eli off. "There is a spot. A Detective quit. I want you to write your reports, hand them in to Vice and I'll take care of the rest. You have the week off. And on Monday morning, 8 o'clock sharp, you are to report for duty as a Detective in my homicide squad."

There was another long stretch of silence and slowly a lazy smile turned the corners of Eli's mouth upwards.

They held each other's gaze for long minutes, without saying a single word. When Eli's eyes finally dropped to her coffee cup and her hand lifted it up to her still curled lips, Sofia began to chuckle.

"Back to where we once began..." She said quietly.

Eli set the cup back down on the counter, the spoon rattling along the porcelain rim with soft clinks.

She hmm'd thoughtfully, flattening her hands over the bandages across her ribs.

"I guess it's time to give it all another shot. Hell, God knows I've hid from the real world long enough. Vice and this assignment have given me the final push into the right direction. I'm not doing it again, Fia. We both know I've still been running. Avoidance never got me anywhere. I'll be there, Lieutenant, now you can say you got me right where you wanted me ever since I made the decision to return to the force..."

The sparkle in Sofia's blue eyes was humorous at best, sly if you wanted to speak the truth.

"Oh, I haven't got you where I really want you, but having you work for me is one big step into the right direction, Hun."

Using humour as a method of deflection had always worked best for the blond, when a different kind of yearning suddenly took a hold of her.

Laughter bubbled up from somewhere deep inside Eli's chest, from a place ignored and abandoned far too long ago. Real laughter, not born out of a sense of courtesy, but from genuine amusement and joy. A sound that in itself was proof that the horrors of the last three months had been and past, and that she was now at home, where she belonged.

She kept laughing and after a moment Sofia joined in, their hands meeting across the table as they wheezed and spluttered, the occasional tear escaping both their eyes until Eli had to let go to hold herself upright by pushing both her hands beneath her ribs, doubling over now would hurt too badly no matter how good it felt to act so freely once again.

Sofia though cried in earnest now. Tears of relief mixed with those she would never admit to be crying.

When she finally came up for air and wiped at her eyes furiously, she caught Eli staring at her, a curious expression ghosting across her now solemnly smiling face. If you could bottle up, capture moments and keep them to replay them over and over again, Sofia would have wanted this one to hold on to for all eternity. There had been a look in Eli's eyes she wanted to see so much more of.

She searched the face in front of her but to no avail. Whatever it was, it was gone again.

Eli just felt content. Everything she still needed in this life was right there in front of her. Her home -her sanctuary she had finally been allowed to return to, the safety of being able to be herself again, and now, the opportunity to do the work she was really cut out to do, the job she'd wanted back so badly, and the one person who had made her life the way it was today. Sofia.


	5. 2 Tripping

**For disclaimer see Prologue.**

* * *

><p>2. Tripping<p>

The hours went by way too fast for both their liking. How could those short hours make up for months of separation? They couldn't, and then they didn't need to, there were many more to come, even if it wouldn't be today. So they shared more stories, they laughed and frowned, sometimes said nothing at all and just glanced at each other over another two or three cups of coffee, until Sofia's cell chimed with the reminder of her meeting, and reluctantly, she slid off the chair, rounded the counter to tug Eli into a crushing embrace.

"I don't wanna leave." She whispered into a warm neck.

"Hey, I'm not gonna go anywhere anytime soon. _You_ got work to do. _I'm_ in almost desperate need for some more sleep. And then another shower. I still feel filthy somehow. Call you tonight, okay?"

Eli put some distance between them to catch Sofia's gaze.

Her voice was somehow strained as she pushed the next words past her lips, and a feeling of something remaining unsaid still was left in their wake.

"I'm so glad I'm back home again."

When Sofia just smiled, pecked her friend on one cheek while palming the other gently, Eli's eyes betrayed her strength displayed.

"I know. Rest. And-" She hesitated, with serious brown eyes boring into hers, something she'd sworn to herself she'd buried deep enough this time made itself noticed so suddenly, so _urgently_ again that it took her a lot to suppress the tremble creeping up her spine, but somehow she still managed.

She opened her mouth as if to finish the begun sentence, but before she could even collect her thoughts again, there was a single finger pressed to her lips and she gasped despite herself, albeit almost unnoticeably.

"Shh!" Eli stopped her, and echoed Sofia's words. "I know."

* * *

><p>Yet again something about Eli had changed. So gradually, so slightly that it had almost escaped Sofia's attention. Had it not been for those months they'd not seen each other, maybe she wouldn't even have noticed at all. It would have happened so slowly that she'd just have taken it as natural, but now it somehow stood out.<p>

Something in Eli had settled down. The constant tension she had seemed to exude, even after her trip to the gulf region, though it had already significantly lessened, had finally appeared to have been dimmed to a slow, less oscillating vibration. The things she'd seen, once again, what she'd been put through, put up with, endured had lessened the after effects of the last year's tragedy to a degree where it was difficult to say whether Eli still actively grieved, or if she'd come to terms with the fact that there would always be something, _someone_ missing in her life, and just fought to finally make sense of the life she was leading now, and how everything she did, and everyone she knew fit into that new concept of her future.

It felt comforting to be sure that a permanent spot had been granted to her, that even through their fights or any time apart, Eli had never made her feel like she didn't belong anymore. Much the opposite even, they seemed to come out stronger of every disagreement, every estrangement, whether it was by their own choosing or because of the job.

But today, for the first time since the first three weeks she spent at Eli's loft after her arrival in San Francisco, it had felt like Eli had admitted, wordlessly, to needing her in her life just as much as Sofia felt she needed the brunette in hers.

All those realisings were evenly spread through the rest of Sofia's day, whenever she had the time to waste a thought or two on anything that wasn't related to work. Yet she firmly refused to acknowledge the other feeling that had resurfaced, alongside all those ramifications.

She tried not to think about _that_ as she drove through the darkening streets, exhaust fumes hanging heavy in the damp, foggy late evening air, the near constant wind from the bay practically nonexistent for once. Not when she stopped for some take-out at her favourite pizza-place, where she wouldn't have been able to hear her own thoughts anyway through the loud chatter from the patrons, the clinking of glasses and plates on this surprisingly busy Monday evening rush, the shouts in Italian that erupted from the kitchen, and the usual attempts of her standard waiter to hit on her with what he thought was his most irresistible Sicilian charm, persistent until the unfortunate moment her hand slipped on the fogged up glass of the door on her way out and he held it open for her with a most indulgent smile she did not reciprocate the least and just huffed out a hurried 'Thanks'. Not as she turned into her parking spot in front of her building, turned off the radio gruffly since it had refused to flood her car with anything but melancholic tunes, no matter how often she had switched stations on her short drive. Not as she fumbled with the keys for a moment, cardboard box and a six-pack of beers in the one hand, her bag slung over the other arms having slid down and hanging off the crook of her arm now, its contents daring to spill any second due to its lopsided position and the fact that she'd forgotten to zip it. Not as she retrieved one plate from the kitchen cabinet and shoved three slices of the quattro formaggio con prosciutto on it, almost kicking the bottle of beer already opened off the work surface with her elbow during the clumsy attempt to push the cutlery drawer closed with her hip. Not while she sat and ate at her coffee table, watching the news with factitious enthusiam that could only be born out of avoidance of something far more important, yet so frightening she'd forego dealing with the understanding she'd come to for as long as she could eventually manage.

She even managed to get through the shower and typing a text to Eli that remained unanswered for the time being, surely because the other woman was catching up on much needed sleep.

By the time she was ready for bed, she was so tired that she couldn't have held a coherent thought for more than a second at a time anyway, and as she sunk into a rather restless slumber, her mind went blissfully blank.

The morning though, brought with it terrifyingly vivid memories of dreams she'd rather not have been able to recall in such detail, and though they hadn't occurred for the first time, not at all, today they were accompanied by the ascertainment that she couldn't postpone the admission of her realisation much longer. Procrastination would not change the fact anymore.

She was quite certain that there was virtually nothing that could change what she was feeling, ever.

Actually, it wasn't that much that had changed. But it was just that one thing that she knew had already changed her life for good. While under the hot spray of the shower, brushing her teeth, Sofia had realised that this day had been long in the making.

The day when she'd be sure that nothing, _nothing_ could ever make her stop loving her best friend.

The day she'd have to accept that she'd be forever heartbroken.

The day she'd have to come up with her own concept of a future, one she wouldn't like, but one she could live with. She had to learn how to live with this knowledge.

Still the picture of Eli looking so broken, yet so full of hope and expectant of what was to come, what life still had in store for her was haunting her whenever she closed her eyes now.

* * *

><p>They knew they shouldn't be where they were.<p>

Eli knew it would hurt. Both of them, in the end.

Sofia didn't know how long it would take until she could look Eli in the eyes again without thinking about this.

But, this was the fatal stupidity - and she could only ever blame that on herself - then she shouldn't have had that last drink. In fact probably the last four drinks.

Still she knew she wasn't yet drunk enough to be able to find salvation in not remembering in the morning. She would remember. She couldn't even decide whether that was actually a good or a bad thing. She wanted to remember and yet she hated that she'd be able to recall all this and know it'd lead to nothing. Nothing more than just this.

They had taken exactly a minute to come to an understanding.

Neither of them could really say, afterwards, how it had all started. Maybe it had been the case, finally being back in action, together, the rush of adrenaline through their veins after the car chase through the city, the frantic running, slipping on the wet pavement, skidding around corners, after the third not even bothering anymore to stop and peek around the brick wall because their suspect had just been running and running and running.

This time it had been different, Eli just hadn't tired, she'd sped through the darkening streets bathed in the gloomy light of sundown and Sofia had simply stopped when in one side alley, just as Eli hastened through it, all the street lights came on one by one, following and then overtaking Eli like they wanted to illuminate the way, clear a path for the Detective to see clearer whom she was chasing. Sofia had just stood there, unbelieving of the strange scenery, watching in awe as Eli's cognac brown suede Church's barely seemed to touch the ground anymore, the shimmering blue thigh long trench coat flowing behind her, weapon clutched tightly in her right hand, and then, her voice booming through the alley, finally close enough to fire off a warning shot. Shook out of her stupor, Sofia noticed _the way_ she'd been staring, admonishing herself instantly for her profound unprofessionalism given the situation at hand and she fell back into a jog, then a run, trying to catch up as she heard another shot being fired just as Eli had disappeared around the next corner, then one more before complete, frightening silence followed that made her pick up her pace once more until she rounded the corner, too, and saw Eli.

One knee pressed into the perp's back, handcuffs just clicking shut, her teeth clenched, a demonic, wicked grin planted firmly on her face.

As Sofia closed in, she could feel her heart beat up in her throat, and everything inside her tightened uncomfortably as she took in Eli's appearance. The toes of her expensive shoes scuffed, her freakin designer clothes otherwise completely intact and surprisingly wrinkle-free, but her tie loosened, the top two buttons of her shirt undone, her hair, that she had yet to have cut back to its former length unruly and ruffled from the sheer speed of the chase, beads of sweat running down her temples, her cheeks reddened from the exertion but dimpled into a satisfied smirk, dark eyes flashing wildly, pupils almost completely dilated.

She pressed the com in her ear and guided the backup to the right street before she took a moment to relish in what she saw.

Eli was, in that very moment, so sexy, so confident, so full of verve and _life_ that Sofia almost didn't dare bridging the rest of the distance between them.

This was what she wasn't supposed to see in her friend. Those were the situations when her heart just clenched inside her ribcage, sending a pain so frighteningly intense through her that it became difficult to even breathe.

Love. Such a small word for such an overwhelming, all-consuming feeling.

That's where it had started.

They'd decided to go out and celebrate, just the two of them.

And today, Sofia decided, it was a risk worth taking. She found a certain pride in the check she had on her emotions, in the comfortable friendship they'd settled into again, that she had managed to give Eli no reason to doubt the unspoken agreement they had come to, and just go on as the friends they always had been.

So showered and changed they met up again, had a kebab, then a couple of beers at Sweets, before they entered a new gay nightclub that promised the right kind of music and seemed to host the appropriate age-group.

It dawned on Sofia a little too late for the day they'd had that Eli in some moments not only simply overlooked, but seemed to forget the feelings Sofia harbored for her. The drinks flowed, Eli was practically euphoric, like she was on a runner's high or something as she tipsily caught Sofia by the wrist and dragged her off to the dance floor. Florence and the Machine's 'Rabbit Heart' thundered out of the speakers and suddenly they found themselves in the middle of the crowd, occasionally pressed together much tighter than was beneficial for Sofia's sanity, though they each danced and shuffled without the intent to touch at all, just it was inevitable. Whenever there was enough space, Eli twisted and turned, shimmied and swayed, and Sofia was enraptured. The tight dark blue slacks hugged Eli's hips just perfectly, her off-white shirt was left open almost down to her bra and the unbuttoned matching blue vest added a casual, yet classic chic that made Sofia's mouth water by just looking at her friend. When Eli caught her hand again, she felt an almost electric shiver run down her spine and she was sure a glimmer of want must have shown in her eyes, but Eli seemed absolutely oblivious, just excited and happy and on the verge of being drunk as she twisted Sofia around as much as the tiny bit of space allowed before pulling her close to avoid another tenant to harshly bump into the blonde's side. Crushed against Eli's front, bodies flush for a second or two, a hint of recognition flashed through darkened brown eyes and the tight touch loosened.

Almost panting, Eli tried to bring some distance back between them, which seemed less and less possible due to the amount of people that continually moved up and onto the dance floor as the song changed to another very popular track.

"I'm sorry."

Sofia more saw Eli mouth the words than she could actually understand them over the noise.

Suddenly she realised that her hand had still found insistent purchase at Eli's waist and she was reluctant to let go. The last drink hummed through her system, making her blissfully ignorant towards the possible, no, the guaranteed consequences of what she was about to do.

What she just couldn't bring herself to not do, think, let play out in her mind in colourful, lively images.

Another couple bumped into them and she found herself closer to her aspiration yet again. Eli had yet to take her eyes off Sofia's and the blonde could slowly see the realisation begin to dawn in them and then settle firmly as Sofia's hand slipped beneath fabric and hesitantly started caressing bare skin.

"Don't." Eli practically whispered.

And the 60 seconds of contemplation started ticking off.

Sofia felt herself fall into those dark browns that surprisingly enough turned almost charcoal under her unwavering stare.

Her hand crawled out from its place on Eli's side, slowly, up the front of Eli's shirt, right in the middle, soft enough not to appear imposing until it swerved a bit to the right and rested over a quick and strong heartbeat, again on skin.

Fuck her steadfastness and to hell with her good intentions!

She was drunk, she was past the point of caring, and she wanted Eli. More than ever.

She felt, saw muscles tense and Eli shift from one foot to the other, her eyes giving her away completely. She was right there with Sofia. Who got up on her tiptoes to mutter into Eli's ear, her lips so close to the shell they brushed it.

Contemplating Eli's mood, Sofia decided to approach her from a rather demure point. It wasn't usually in her nature, but Eli was in a conqueror mood tonight.

"Please."

She could practically feel Eli shudder as her breath hit heated skin and the collective meaning of the word sank in. Groaning, Eli pressed her eyes shut tightly and tried to take a step back.

"No, Fia." The intake of breath so sharp as the blonde denied her putting some distance between them by placing her other hand at the small of Eli's back, holding her close.

When heavy lids lifted again, there was no mistaking the desire that brimmed in them, but also not the accompanying sorrow.

"I don't want to hurt you."

She'd thought Eli'd be drunk enough. She wished just for once her friend wouldn't be so caring.

And the short sting she felt somewhere close to her own heart was just a foretaste of what was to come tomorrow. Sofia knew. But she also knew they were strong enough. That she was strong enough.

She wanted it. She wanted to just feel it again, to not care about tomorrow, she wanted to fall, no matter how hard she'd hit the ground afterwards.

Determination had turned her devious before, so she adjusted her strategy, and moved in for what she knew was Eli's weak spot.

Her mouth still close to Eli's ear, she pressed one, two, three, four hungry, nipping kisses against Eli's neck.

"I could turn around and find someone, in the blink of an eye. There's a lot of beautiful people here tonight."

At the mischievous and yet serious twinkle in Sofia's eyes Eli knew that the blonde would make good of her words. Images flooded her mind while the sensual onslaught continued.

Another nip, a not so very soft bite.

"But I'd rather have you. I know what I'm asking here. I won't expect anything of you come tomorrow. But I _need_ you to take me out of here or I'll leave with someone else tonight."

It worked. Eli growled in frustration, her hands clenching and unclenching at her sides, even though any contemplation had already ceased. Her decision had already been made. With a sudden possessiveness and recklessness that gave Sofia pause and tugged at something dormant way deep inside her, Eli grabbed her around the neck, fingers digging into the nape of it, slipping into her hair and crashed their mouths together in a hungry, feral, not at all tender kiss.

Sixty seconds. That should become the beginning of yet another change between them.

The cab-ride to the Mandarin Oriental was short and silent. They couldn't take this to either of their homes. They'd be reminded of it all the damn time.

Eli threw platinum plastic onto the check-in counter and demanded a certain suite while Sofia tried not to ask herself whether this was the first time Eli had done something like this, or if such things had been a regular occurrence when Eli was younger. She flinched as she noticed that the night would cost Eli as much as Sofia made in two months. But Eli already took the key card with a grin and placed an order for the same drinks they'd had at the club and two large bottles of Fuji-water with the room-service.

They weren't alone in the elevator all the way up, they didn't even dare look at each other though they stood close enough to be in constant contact, and still didn't talk as Eli slid the card through the slot and the door clicked open.

Stepping inside as Eli held the door for her, Sofia faltered and stopped after just three steps. The suite was gorgeous. Huge and elegant and sophisticated and expensive and nothing she'd ever seen unless on the job. But none of that mattered. It might just as well have been the backseat of a car. A cheap motel. All that mattered was what was going to happen.

She heard Eli chuckle as she came up behind her and the door softly fell back into its lock, her warm hands on Sofia's shoulders, initially making her shiver, then thumbs caressing the soft skin just above the collar of her flowing silver top so sensually Sofia trembled with renewed need.

The voice in her ear was low and raspy, the intent clear. One last out. One last chance to just turn around and leave or order burgers with the drinks and enjoy watching TV on demand on the huge flat screen opposite the king size bed in fluffy robes before sleeping the need that burned between them and the momentary shift in their dynamic off until the morning.

"If you really want this, Sofia, we'll go into that bedroom and you won't say a single coherent word for the rest of the night. We won't talk about this tomorrow or ever. It will just have happened like so many other things have happened before tonight. No hard feelings, no regret, no strings attached. But if you have even the slightest doubt, tell me now. But don't tell me it was a mistake afterwards. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. I love you too much to lose you over a spur of the moment night , I will not lose you over sex. I refuse to let a fuck tear us apart. We each know exactly where we stand, don't we?"

Just as Eli had finished speaking, there was a knock on the door and their drinks arrived. Eli tipped the waiter generously and held one drink up at Sofia, who took it gladly and immediately took two large gulps.

Eli watched as an errand drop ran down the side of Sofia's throat and she took the decision out of the seemingly speechless blonde's hands as she reached for the glass, placed it haphazardly back onto the trolley, grabbed Sofia by the neck like she had earlier in the club and greedily licked along the way the drop had taken, up the side of Sofia's throat and to her mouth.

Sofia careened inexorably towards the point of complete surrender as she felt the rush of blood towards her head at the rough and yet somehow so gentle treatment. She was faintly aware of moaning, of whispering her consent into the air so fraught with tension she could barely breathe.

It was done, it was decided. She had to have Eli. Now.

She craned her neck to give Eli's eager tongue and mouth more room to explore her as she wheezed when Eli bit down just above her collar bone, harshly, fisting both hands into the soft fabric of Eli's shirt, almost ripping it apart.

It felt amazing to drag Sofia backwards and into the enormous bedroom of the suite. Somewhere along the way their mouths had met, roughly, starved, and it was like Eli had forgotten how it felt when lust drowned out every rational thought she'd ever been capable off as Sofia sucked on her tongue, then felt the tip of it play around Eli's own in an imitation of another act and her heartbeat dropped low and pulsed insistently between her legs. The blonde's curves beneath her restlessly wandering hands beckoned Eli to undress her as quickly as possible now, the leg wound around her hip pressed them closer together, the desperation to finally be able to feel this again made Eli's fingers surprisingly clumsy as she fumbled with the complicated straps until Sofia just shoved her away almost impatiently to slip the shirt over her head, not a bit self-curious.

Lips slightly parted, Eli gazed into blue eyes, and only slowly tore her glance away from their spell and let it wander over a near flawless torso, heaving breasts she knew where a perfect, full fit in her palms, clad in dark grey, shimmering lace that contrasted the fairness of Sofia's skin perfectly. Then her eyes went lower.

There it was.

Eli's breath got stuck in her throat as she finally saw the tattoo for real, for the very first time.

In this very moment, the world stopped for a second. Just to start turning again, but in the decidedly wrong direction.

Tears burned behind Eli's eyes, and a sense of shame so overwhelming she could barely hold the sob back that willed its way up.

Almost tentatively Eli stretched her hand out, fingertips hovering mere millimeters above skin, not touching, her eyes narrowed and forehead in creases.

They never made contact, but still Sofia's knees almost buckled.

Enthralled Eli watched her own fingers just almost caressing the inked skin, still holding her breath without even noticing.

"It's even more beautiful in reality. I've seen the picture, I've known you had it done. It is exactly how I imagined it to be when I first had the idea. It's perfect, Sofia."

As the first tear then escaped Sofia's eyes, not her own, Eli pulled her in, clutched her in a desperate embrace and both knew that this was it.

"I love you." Sofia mumbled into the nape of Eli's neck, her voice quivering and weak.

"I know, honey. I know."

"Why can't we even-" Sofia trailed off, not able to finish the sentence, her body still thrumming with anticipation, but the need to consummate just gone.

"-Have this?"

"Yes."

"You know why."

"We could be so good together."

"We are good together, Fia."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know."

"What a shame. What a fuckin' waste." Sofia spat the last words as she untangled herself from Eli's arms.

"I'm sorry."

Eli meant it.

Sofia was right. It was a terrible waste. They could really be so good together.

"This can't happen again. It just can't." Sofia's voice was low and she sounded surprisingly sober. "I wanted it so bad. To feel you inside me again, always closer, everywhere at once. I want you, but I need so much more from you than that. Yet most of all I just need you in my life."

"I shouldn't..." Eli started into another apology, but she was stopped short.

"Don't. I know what you long to feel, to achieve. And I feel honoured that it is me you trust. But I guess we both understand now. It is too much."

Looking at the blonde's retreating back as Sofia scooped up her discarded shirt, quickly wrestled into it and left the suite's master bedroom hurt. It hurt a lot.

Scrunching up her face in disgust over herself and not having been able to put a stop on the progression of the evening when there had still been no harm done, Eli fell back into the cushions and covered her eyes with both hands.

If there was one thing she could not allow to break, it was this.

Yet how long before it would, despite their best intentions?


	6. 3 Condoned, at last

**It's been a while, hasn't it? I love complicated, and yet I've grown to hate it at the same time. It's like the people I love most in my life, they aggravate me and complete me in equal amounts. I need the pressure of things not being easy. It's where I end up being at my best usually. Challenges drive me to be better, make me do things I hadn't yet known I could or would... This is never going to be an easy story to write, it never has, none of the parts, and that's why I love it and am going to finish it, no matter how long it'll take.**

**Have a great 1st of May! Though I have no idea if that's only our holiday or there's reason for that in other countries, too... Whatever. Have a great day, whereever you are, whatever you're doing.**

* * *

><p><strong>3. Condoned, at last<strong>

The rain was pattering down the large windows, and Eli sipped on her hot chocolate infused with just a dash of bourbon contently. The book on her lap was fast-paced and gripping, the heat from the logs crackling in the fireplace warmed her comfortingly. It had been a good decision to leave the loft behind for a couple of nights, even though she'd barely been three weeks back since the assignment had ended, and instead take on the task of making herself feel a little more at home at her own house again. She'd missed the subtle noises it made. The creaking of the floorboards as they adjusted to the change of temperature and the humidity in the moist early spring air. The hum of the fridge she'd so carefully selected years ago that was getting a little old and significantly noisier of late. The rustling of the branches and leaves in the wind outside, the drops forming uneven melodies as they fell heavily on the tin roof of the garden shed. The rushing of the excess water down the drain pipes at the corner of the house.

Those all were sounds she was so very familiar with, that made it easier to feel a sense of belonging in a place that she still connected with so much pain, so many memories, most, well, almost every single one of them good.

She set the mug down on the coaster, ran her warmed fingers through still unruly, long hair, the decision to crop it shorter pushed off for some more time, somehow she liked the look it gave her, picked the paperback novel up again and continued to read, as a strange feeling crept up on her. The feeling of not being alone. Someone was there, she was no longer alone.

It couldn't be Sofia, after all not only did she have a key and announced her presence, but they'd reached a form of unspoken agreement to give each other space before they went back to status quo. Allow some time to pass, so that they could reflect on the recent events, before falling back into their friendship and rhythmic banter without things being stifled or strange. Whoever it was though, they weren't getting in without her knowledge or by setting off the alarm. She just couldn't shake the feeling though, that someone was there, though not someone who meant her harm.

Outside! In that storm...

Eli leapt off her chair, her book falling carelessly to the ground as she rushed to the door, hurriedly jabbing in the code to disarm the alarm as she wrenched open the door. The sight that met her, nothing more than unexpected. Sat on her doorsteps was a figure with their head hung low who hadn't seemed to realise the door had opened let alone the rain. With their broad back and hunched shoulders doing little to protect them from the downpour.

The choked sound that escaped Eli's mouth barely noticeable over the roaring of the thunderstorm was still heard.

As he turned, pain so visibly etched into his features that Eli instantly knew he hadn't smiled in days, had had no reason to, her heart plummeted, and fear drowned out the cold of the rain she'd stepped into now, too, teetering towards him without her explicit consent.

She opened her mouth to speak and instantly tasted sour, slightly salty rain, running in rivulets down her face. She swallowed and tried again, her voice audible now, but hoarse and weaker than she'd wanted it to sound.

"Tell me nobody died. Please tell me she didn't die, too..."

The pleading in her voice made his features grow a little less hard. The subtle change instantly calmed her raging nerves.

"They're fine. No one died, precious. It's just... I need you, Eli. I _need _my friend. Could you- would you be that for me again. For tonight?"

She'd forgotten how it felt to be buried in his body, engulfed in his arms, warmth emanating where they touched even through several soaked layers of clothing. Forgotten about the safety, the security he'd provided at the times when she had thought she'd never let anyone make her feel this way again.

It was the very same now, even though she knew that this time it was her who provided, as his body shook with the tears she knew he had not allowed himself to cry until this very moment.

Somehow she felt taller now, though he of course still had a good couple of inches on her. She felt stronger, solid, an anchor she hadn't known she could be, not after everything. The ground beneath her feet didn't waver; his pain didn't trigger any lingering hurt in her. She could give again, and it made her hug him more tightly, soothing him, never asking what he was crying for, she'd know soon enough.

She guided them inside the moment he managed to let go of her to breathe deeply and wipe at his eyes furiously, instantly being admonished by her disarming raise of brows that told him he didn't have to hide from her. Not anymore.

That there was a past, and then there was today. That he was forgiven, he had been for a long time. It wasn't forgotten, but in the shade of bigger events, their fall-out paled in comparison.

Her largest shorts and tee still looked almost ridiculously tight on him. But at least she'd gotten him to towel himself mostly dry, change out of his wet clothes just like she had, too, and now he sat cross-legged on the plush carpet in front of the fireplace, letting a steaming cup of coffee handed to him by Eli warm his icy fingers.

Before he could even begin to form a sentence, Eli's cell rung.

She patted his shoulder and let her fingers caress the short cropped hair at the base of his neck, a gesture that had always calmed him, like no time had passed at all, like it hadn't been years almost since they'd last allowed gestures like this one to pass between them, and rounded the couch to retrieve the phone from the kitchen counter.

A blocked number.

"Tren-"

"Is he with you?"

"Cath?"

"I asked you if he is with you, Elizabeth!"

Catherine Willows' tone was sharp, and tinged with both worry and anger.

"Yes, Catherine. He is here. Looking like a whipped dog he'd been sitting in the pouring rain on my doorstep, after all this time. What the hell happened?"

Not able to keep her own anger out of her voice, being so formally addressed, so harshly questioned, Eli realised that it came naturally, this defensive tone, her protectiveness of her former best friend against another good person that she had shared a part of her way with.

The sob that broke through the line though made her shoulder sag and infinitely softer she went on.

"Cath, are you okay?"

Choked, the words seemed to tumble out of the mouth of the blonde sitting in another city.

"Tell him I'm sorry... I'm so, so sorry. I never meant to hurt him like that. I never meant to- I love him, tell him that. I'd never believe he'd do something like that, I'd never thought of seeing him stray. It's just, with Eddie and everything that happened in the past, it was so much easier to just flip and assume that he could be no different in the end. But he is, I know he is, tell him that."

"He already heard."

The voice over her shoulder startled Eli so much she almost let go of the cell.

"Give me that." Leonard boomed and pried the phone out of Eli's hands, who gave in only reluctantly.

"Don't you ever, ever treat me like that again, Catherine Willows. Your own daughter was ashamed of you, do you hear me? Don't you trust me at all? We're married, for God's sake. I'm a married man so deeply in love it's almost ridiculous. Nothing will ever change that. No one could ever change the way I feel about you. Not even her. I don't care anymore how many times she tells me she thinks she missed out. Because I know she has, but that chapter of my life is closed. That book, for goodness' sake, is long closed. It was the freaking _day _I met you. If you don't get that into your pretty head, we're having a serious issue with each other."

Whilst speaking, Leonard caught Eli's gaze, his friend was still listening intently and her features had instantly grown as hard as granite. His eyes pleaded, begged, and she just shook her head, mouthing 'Just go on.'

"I'm sorry." Catherine's renewed apology interrupted their silent conversation.

"You already said that."

"I love you, Len-"

"So do I. But you threatened to take my life away from me. Because that's what the two of you are, Lindsey and you, you are my life. I don't care about the slap; I guess I almost deserved it. But I care about that venom in your words. I know you're still carrying the weight of your past around with you. I understand where you came from. But it doesn't give you the right to judge me like that." Leonard cringed almost unnoticeably, but Eli still snorted in return. "To not even listen to me. You're a fury, Catherine, and most of the time I love that about you. That you're fierce and diligent and absolute and relentless. But not like that. Never like that."

"I promise. I promise it will never happen again. I'll listen. I'll sit down, clamp my hands together and listen to you. I don't want to lose you."

"You don't have to. I never planned on not coming back. I just hoped that if I distanced myself, you'd realise your mistake. But the further I went, the more it hurt, the more real it seemed to become. I was so afraid I could actually lose you to this. A misjudgment."

Even from her place beside the fridge where Eli had positioned herself now to give Leonard at least some illusion of privacy to his conversation, she could her sobs on the other end of the line.

"I just want you to come home, Lenny."

"And I will. I promise you Cath, by morning I'll be on my way. But give me tonight. I- I have to regroup. If I saw you right away, I'd still be angry and afraid, and we have to talk, I don't want some lingering feelings to get into the way of a serious conversation. I love you, okay? I do."

"So do I. And we'll talk. I'm getting too old to fall back into those kinds of patterns. I really thought I'd left that part of me behind. Drive safely, don't rush yourself. I'll be there when you get home. Can you get Eli back on for a second?"

"Of course. I'll see you tomorrow night. Try not to drink too much of that white that I know is standing in front of you right now. There's really no need... We'll be fine. We already are."

Eli caught the rest of a relieved sigh as the cell was handed back to her.

"Yeah?" She knew what was expected of her, and she'd follow through.

"I missed your voice."

Chuckling, Eli clucked her tongue, amused.

"Why, Mrs. Willows, all that drama and all you have to say to me is that you missed my voice?" There was a pause. Too long for comfort. "I miss you, too, Cath."

"Couldn't have been that bad." The bitterness that crept into the blonde's tone was something Eli would simply have to accept.

"I'm better now. I am."

"That's a good thing to hear. But seriously, how could you just up and leave like that? We would've had your back, every single one of us, if you'd just let us."

The second weight descending on the tall brunette now was almost unbearable, much more so than the first. Catherine's words instantly took her back to that day at the chapel, to the funeral, to the dread and the pain and the panic. Eli tried to shake it off, but found that it rested upon her chest too heavily. One more thing to feel guilty about.

"I know. But-" How could she ever explain? She could never make any of that right again. She had treated them with unrestrained disdain, all through the days that followed Sara's death. She'd barely acknowledged their presence, had taken it all out of their hands, had left them with nothing, not a clue on how to get through to her, and before anyone could even fathom what was happening, she'd been long gone. "I wouldn't have been able to accept it. It broke me, Cath, completely. I'm healing, but I'm still not the person I used to be. I guess I never will. But it's okay now, I'm becoming someone new. Somewhat different, yet still me. I'm sorry to have caused you such pain. I know I made it even harder on everyone. Just- please know that I didn't do it consciously. I just tried to hold on to the last shred of sanity that was left. Without Sofia, I doubt that I'd made it to the point where I'm at today. Please just accept my apology."

"I will, but only if you promise to keep in contact from now on. I'd like to get to know you again. I called you friend for a reason, Eli, and that hasn't changed."

"I promise. We'll talk. And thank you."

"No need to thank me."

Suddenly the awkwardness between them was gone, and Catherine chuckled lightly into the phone.

"You know though, I did really miss your voice. You need to have that registered one day. It's a weapon. You can still give me goosebumps."

Eli laughed, loving where Catherine took the conversation.

"Don't let your husband hear that."

"Him? He doesn't mind. He gets it, you know?"

Eli chanced a glance, confirming that Leonard was listening in on their conversation.

"Oh, I guess there might have been a time when he did appreciate my voic-ings in certain situations."

She winked at Len, despite the tension palpable between them, and he managed to curl his lips into a small, but genuine smile.

"I just made him smile. I'm going to get him back to you brand-new. Take good care of him. Take good care of each other."

Eli paused, turning serious again.

"Catherine, tell Lindsey I never forgot, okay? Just tell her that. She'll know. Tell her I'm more thankful than I could ever express and I'm sorry I never called or mailed or anything."

"O-kay... I'll tell her."

"I'll explain some day."

"You better. Are you okay with Leonard there?"

"I'm more than fine with it."

"Then I'll leave you to it. Send him off early tomorrow, will you? I need- I need to have him back, Eli."

"This time tomorrow, Cath."

A sigh. That said it all.

"Good-bye, Hun. Take care."

"You too."

* * *

><p>It was easy from then on, really. The talking came back to them so naturally, over preparing a quick pasta dish after Leonard realised upon Eli poking him in the ribs that he was starving, that the tight knot of pressure now loosened allowed him to feel all those basic needs again. They didn't want to have the talk that should have followed his arrival and the content of the phone call. They simply ignored the pink elephant for now. No use crying over spilled milk. They'd come to an agreement, obviously, so why ruin the moment.<p>

To her own surprise it was Eli who laid bare all that had happened ever since she left Vegas. She didn't feel the need to hide any of the darker facts. Her binge drinking. The drugs, the women. The change after Sofia had coaxed her way into Eli's life, her home, her mind, and eventually, parts of her heart again. It was easy to say it out loud to Leonard. That part of her loved the blonde to pieces for what she'd done for her. That another part sometimes felt this incredible, insatiable pull towards her. This hunger for affection only Sofia seemed to be able to still. Eli confessed to them lapsing. She'd never told him about the first time, and through all her explanations, he just kept silent. When she came to the part with the tattoo, then the unfortunate events of the last night they'd spent together, the tall man's fork, just on the way to his mouth, sank slowly back down onto the plate, his hands stilled, and his gaze zeroed in on his friend, who munched on her creamed spinach pasta like she'd not just dropped the bomb Leonard felt she had.

"Precious..."

"Uh, he can speak!" Eli grinned around a mouthful, not comprehending the graveness in his tone.

"You haven't realised it yet, have you?"

"Realised what? It's all quite clear to me. Sofia's in love with me and I made the fucking mistake - again - to seek comfort in her physical closeness, in that release, disregarding how much I'm hurting her by wanting that from her. Egotistic. So selfish. I can be such an asshole at times, but the truth is, she's my best friend - sorry, mate, but it's just come that way - and I cannot bear the thought of losing her. So sex, I just have to take it out of the equation. Because it was never part of our deal. It was always about being understood, being grounded by someone else but your lover, so many things in common, our sense of humour, the way we approach obstacles. We're birds of a feather. Though we are different, we are really very similar. She'll get over it, some day. I'll help her by just being the friend she wants me to be. So what else is there to realise?"

"That you are falling in love with her, too."

Eli's spoon clanked down, chipping a piece off the rim of her plate before landing in a splash of green vegetable and white sauce on the light tablecloth.

Anger. Her mind immediately clouded over with white hot anger.

How dare he! Barely two hours back in her life, and he thinks he knows what she's feeling? Thinks he can give her advice, after what he'd done? After all he missed, after just knowing about the last three and then some years from what she's just told him? From what others might have told him back in Vegas.

Eli tries to keep her voice in check, to calm her raging pulse.

"You- you have no right to draw such conclusions. You have no idea who I've become. You don't know me anymore. Don't pretend you still do. So much has changed and you haven't been there. You haven't had the balls. Sofia has junk bigger than yours. You'd never have confronted me the way she has. You don't have it in you. You're a kind gentle giant, you used to understand and be insightful, but you can't anymore. And you're a coward." She had to bring it up now. Or it would forever stand between them, no matter how hard they tried to pretend it didn't, taint whatever kind of relationship they were just trying to reestablish. "A naive coward. You always have been. Did you ever tell her the truth? Does Catherine _know_, Leonard?"

Eyes lowered towards an almost empty plate, and Eli knew, had already known that the answer was no.

"Coward. All those years that you've been pining after her, you could just have made a move on Aurora, get it over with. Either she would have considered it, given you a shot, or she would have told you no. Yet then you would've been able to move on and it would never have happened. But no. You carried this around with you for so many years, and just when you found real happiness, real love, she decides to snap her fingers and you fucking jump and sleep with her? I get it, man, I really do. You thought -for so long - she was the love of your life, almost from the sandbox. It took you to cheat on the woman you married just months after to really let go of what had been an illusion, all along. The love you really needed, you almost threw away to prove a theory wrong. I hated your guts. I hated you like I've never hated anyone in my life for making me keep this secret for you. And I will keep it. But not for you. For Catherine and Lindsey. Because the life you have would be over, just like you thought it almost was when you came here. She'd leave you without even blinking, without looking back if she knew. And now you go and still stay in contact with Aurora? What the hell is wrong with you? I thought I didn't hear right when you talked to Cath earlier. You hypocritical asshole!"

The last, yelled sentences reflected off the walls, and faded into absolute silence.

Until Leonard got up, brushed his sweaty palms across the dried jeans he was wearing again, and turned to Eli.

"I think I'm going to drive home tonight. I'm sorry I imposed. I'm sorry for involving you once more. I'll be forever thankful for what you've been doing for me, even today, even when you realised what or rather who the recent fight was about. I apologise for burdening you like that. But I won't apologise for the observation I made. I just want you to be happy. That's all I ever wanted, from the day I met you, precious. You have another shot at it. It's only your guilt that's standing in the way between you and her. And your pride. It's all right there in front of you."

"Sit your ass back down and shut the fuck up!"

It was Eli who was on her feet now, looming over the table, glaring her friend down.

"I am not letting you go again. We're gonna sort this out, once and for all. No one knows about it but you and I. No one ever will, we're going to carry this load, each our own portion of it, and we're going to have to live with it, and I will smile at Catherine like I always have when I see her again, and you will look into her eyes when you make love to her and always remember what a fucking blessing it is that this woman is still in your life, adores you like she does and never seriously doubted you. I'm not gonna destroy the best relationship I may have ever seen just to rat you out. I hate liars, I'd take the hard truth over a lie, even if it's a white lie, even if it's one that tries to protect you, any day of my life. But I'm not gonna do that to you. I know who you are, Leonard Einstein, and that's why I know it was a fluke. You had to prove to yourself that you'd chosen the right woman, even though you already knew. And this is it. We won't ever bring this up again. Because having you back-" Eli fell silent, the words on the tip of her tongue, despite everything, she- "I missed you. I missed you like hell."

Tears welled up in Leonard's eyes, and he rounded the table with three steps, swooping Eli up, hugging her tighter than he ever had.

"I missed you, too. I worried so much. It's such a relief seeing you doing just fine, considering. I love you, Eli. I always have."

"I love you, too..."

"Can we get past this?"

"I just said I love you. I just told you about the worst year of my whole life, without thinking twice about it. What do you think?"

"I think I'm gonna kiss Sofia when I see her again... Think she'll punch me if I do?"

Leonard's eyes twinkled with humour and hope now, and Eli just laughed.

"Beats me. But I'd like to see you try."


	7. 4 The past in the present

**Two weeks of vacation time when you don't have a chance to go on a trip has only one benefit. I found myself with a bit of spare time at my hands. Take it as a sign that I have yet to vanish off this platform and there will be updates, though rather sporadically.**

* * *

><p><strong>4. The past in the present<strong>

_The tentative knock on her door didn't go unnoticed by Eli, but she had neither the strength nor the intention to get up, to face anybody, she just didn't want to know, to see the look on people's faces anymore. Have them gaze at her dirt caked appearance, evidence of her three day battle to forget the world at the bottom of a bottle or the end of a cigarette stub, or to have them smell the somewhat repulsive odour of self loathing, desperation, and self neglect. She glanced down at the clothes she wore since that fateful night, and couldn't bring herself to care. _

_But the knocking grew more insistent, and was soon accompanied by the shrill sound of her bell._

_"Eli! Open the door! Please!"_

_The voice that made its way past the solid wood startled Eli out of her stupor._

_Of all people, not her. She couldn't, how could she have..._

_"Lindsey?"_

_Eli jumped off the couch and hurried to her front door, opening it a peek to verify._

_"Shouldn't you be at school? You can't be here, your Mom will go crazy if she finds out, she'll kill me, she'll kill the both of us..."_

_The patience and calmness of the pre-teen astounded Eli, as did the gentle hand that gripped her wrist and the lithe body that pushed the door open._

_Eli let herself be dragged backwards until the door closed behind the both of them, and a gaunt and tired looking Lindsey Willows stood tall in her living room._

_Scrunching up her nose._

_"You smell really bad, Eli!"_

_The urge to correct her to badly was enormous, despite everything, but really, Mr. Adverb had no business here._

_"I know. I- What are you doing here?"_

_"Don't worry, I got my friends covering for me. Mom will never know. She can never know, okay? I just needed to talk to you, since you seem to run away from everyone."_

_Eli's hand gripped the back of a chair, hard. She wasn't ready to talk. To anyone. She probably never would._

_Lindsey saw it, the immediate withdrawal. _

_"Okay then..." She shuffled her feet, suddenly appearing nervous. "I understand that you don't feel up to talking much. Then just listen to me, okay? Good."_

_She caught Eli's gaze and held it, her eyes without their normal sparkle or glow. Mirroring Eli's own emotions, with such intensity it was clear she too was on the brink of despair. The usually gangly and self-conscious teen stood before her as an adult, her gaze suddenly more confident _

_"I think I've grown to know you a bit. You're not just funny Eli, with the big grin and cool car and strange ideas. And I understand the concept of love. I'm not a child anymore."_

_That, she definitely wasn't._

_"I know you hurt, and I can't even imagine just how much, when even I feel- really bad, you know? I really liked Sara. I liked her before you even came along. She was always kind to me, she never treated me like a dumb kid, and she respected me and tried to be just natural. I will miss her so much, I will miss everything, because somehow I know we will not be anything close to what we have been now after she- Now that she's gone." _

_Eli just stared blankly at the kid's face, wondering where this was going, the words were hurting her, didn't Lindsey realise how much this was hurting. Everything was pain and it wasn't going away, no need to say it out loud again._

_But the girl, swallowing hard, caught Eli's gaze and her eyes conveyed a wisdom and understanding that seemed far beyond her years._

_"But-" She put emphasis on the word and fought for composure, despite tears welling up in her eyes."Don't ever feel like you're being alone in this. We're there. Okay? You can't talk, that's okay, but some day you will have to or you'll explode, I felt that way after my Dad died. And no one knows who I talked to. I talked to Uncle Jim. And he made me understand, because I was mad, I was so mad at everyone, at Mom, at Sara, at that girl my Dad was with, I was mad at the world for making him that way and for taking him away from me. I wanted to punch people's faces when they laughed while I felt like crying. Find someone to talk to, Eli. You have my mail. You can write me if you want. I won't hold it against you if you don't, though. Just know that you can, okay? I can't do much, but I can do this."_

_And the teen catapulted herself into Eli's arms and held her tightly, and lights erupted behind Eli's eyes when without hesitation she returned the embrace, fiercely._

_They clung to each other for minutes, the short girl and the tall woman, both aware of the pain grief caused, yet so different in all other aspects._

_When Lindsey let go, she squeezed a shaken Eli's hand._

_"Things will never be the same again, will they?"_

_Eli swallowed and faced her._

_"No, Linds, they won't. I won't lie to you, they won't."_

_"Just take care of yourself. I'm really gonna miss you." _

_"I'll miss you, too, munchkin."_

_Tears finally made their way down Lindsey's cheeks. Once more she tiptoed and flung her thin arms around Eli's neck, dragging the tall woman down before she hesitantly left a careful kiss somewhere between Eli's temple and forehead before she suddenly let go, looking like she'd used up the final smidgeon of bravery she'd possessed._

_"Good-bye, Eli. Don't forget, okay?"_

_"Never." _

_The minute contact had had the impact of a small nuclear bomb on Eli. From somewhere deep inside her gut, courage bloomed, not enough to ward the shadows cast over her off, but a glimmer, an idea of how she'd make it through this day, through the night, through the official dealings she'd yet to face._

_The girl went for the door, turning before she reached for the knob as Eli's hoarse voice stopped her in her tracks._

_"Wait! I can't let you go like that. I'm gonna drive you back to school."_

_"I-"_

_"No argument."_

_Slipping a clean jacket on despite the heat, to hide at least part of her dirty clothes, Eli rounded the young girl and stepped into the sunlit morning._

_The drive was silent, yet Eli didn't feel as appalled by the world as she had just 20 short minutes ago._

_There were things to take care of, preparations to be made. She had to hold on just a little bit longer._

_Now she knew she could._

_"Thank you." Eli muttered as Lindsey climbed out of the car across the street from her school grounds, and the girl threw her one last, compassionate glance and just nodded._

_When the door clanked to a close, Eli straightened in her seat, and purposefully drove home, showered, cleaned herself up as nicely as she could, rummaged through some drawers, then put on her shades and was on her way to the funeral home. _

_Before stepping into the business, she closed her eyes briefly, exhaled, and pushed all feeling away._

_She had to do this. There was no way around it._

_A folder clutched in her hand tightly, she made her way through rows of caskets and urns to a table where two very familiar people were sat opposite the clerk._

* * *

><p>The hand suddenly descending on her shoulder startled Eli, who had been rocking back and forth on it while reading a file - well, more brooding over recent and older events than really reading - and she lost her balance, only to be rescued from tipping over backwards by wringing her knee under the table just in time.<p>

A strong hand also gripped the back of her chair and helped to push herself upright again.

"Whoa! I called your name three times; I thought you would have heard me."

Sofia chuckled and situated herself on the edge of Eli's desk, uncharacteristically dressed in a fancy power suit, her hair still open, and one heeled boot clad foot lazily swinging beside Eli's leg.

"Obviously, I haven't heard you. Neither call me nor approach, which really is somewhat strange considering those heels. You've been to court?"

Shaking her head no, Sofia grimaced.

"Met with the Commissioner. Money issues. Running this Department is not so much fun most of the time. I mean, I already got used to it in Vegas, after I was promoted. The Sheriff was so pleased with having a young, good-looking and pretty capable woman at hand, you have no idea how many functions I had to attend, how many press conferences I headed and how many of these-" She pointed at her attire. "-and evening dresses actually do hang in my closet. Far too many for my taste. And it never stops."

"It suits you, the suit. Suit up!" Eli grinned.

"That's what he said."

"Hardly anymore lately, unfortunately. You're behind with the TV-references, Curtis. You used to be so flawless... What's happened to you?" She over exaggerated the last sentence with a lame Italian accent.

Sofia pouted, raised her brows, and patted Eli's shoulder.

"Responsibilities, responsibilities, and even more responsibilities. I can't spend my nights catching up on that stuff like you do. I actually have to use the few hours I have left to sleep."

Eli stretched and yawned.

"Sleep is so overrated these days. I didn't sleep a wink last night and I still managed to close the DiLorenzo case, caught up on that overdue paperwork someone didn't tire to remind me of at least five times a day for a week-" She pointed at a large stack of papers and folders neatly assembled beside her keyboard. "-and now I'm working on Anderson's arsonist case, but as far as I'm concerned, there's no way we'll catch that one. There's just nothing to work with. Any evidence that might ever have been there has been destroyed in the fire, no tire marks or footprints outside the house, the only thing CSU got was the type of accelerator used. Plain old lighter fuel, the cheap kind you can get in any drugstore or supermarket, popular brand, so we got nada."

Slapping the manila folder closed, Eli sighed.

"Since Dave and I agree for once, he can write the final report on that one. He just gave it to me to make sure he didn't miss anything, he said he'd been tired lately, he and his husband are building a house and doing a lot by themselves to save some money. He sure looks exhausted, but man, he also sure did lose some pounds over this whole thing. I'm gonna start bringing in Donuts again just to tease him."

Sofia indulged in a grin, it was good to see Eli getting along with most of her team, even when there were disagreements everyone managed to stay professional, it was something she expected of every last member of San Francisco homicide.

But she was still hung up on Eli's first sentence.

"Why didn't you sleep? Are you okay? Something come up?"

Eli just huffed.

"You could say that. Leonard just appeared out of nowhere yesterday evening. You bet we had a damn lot to talk through."

Just the mention of the name gave Sofia pause.

"After all this time he just showed up? Now?"

"Not just, there was a reason, but it'd take me a little longer to explain. Dinner at Caravaggio's later? I'd like to tell you about it."

"I'd really like that. It's been a while since we last-"

Eli finished the sentence for her.

"-Went out together? Yeah. 16 Days."

"Feels like much longer."

"Uh, I know, doesn't it?"

"So, are you and he okay?"

"We're fine. He already went all Leonard-the-insightful on me again. We're okay, really. This thing, it won't ever go away completely, but we've gotten past it last night."

"Good. Good for you to slowly fill your life with people again. Old as well as new. Have you been talking to Andrew lately?"

"Can't. He's taken off to New York for some screen-writing class he saved for for ages. He'll be gone for another four weeks."

For a moment, an almost awkward silence settled between them.

Sofia slowly slid off the desk and straightened her blazer.

"So, seven-ish?"

A slow smile turned the corners of Eli's mouth upwards while she looked up at her friend, into bright blue eyes that appeared rather hopeful and tinged with the tiniest spark of anticipation.

She stalled her answer, wanting to say something completely different than confirm the time.

"I miss-"

"-you!"

They both blurted out at exactly the same time.

A blush crept into Sofia's cheeks and Eli chuckled wistfully.

"So, seven it is."

"Don't keep me waiting."

"I won't."

Again fidgeting with her clothes, Sofia just smiled and turned to leave.

"You better." She threw over her shoulder.

When Sofia had disappeared inside her office and the drawn shades obscured Eli's view of her friend, she stared down at her hand that was still clutching the edge of her desk rather tightly, then slowly let go and held her slightly trembling hand up in front of her face.

"Fuck!" She muttered under her breath, running that same hand through her hair. "What the fuck, Leonard! Planting these thoughts in my head..."

* * *

><p>"Einstein-Willows residence, Lindsey speaking."<p>

Eli inhaled sharply, then just spoke.

"Hey kid."

Silence at the other end of the line.

"Lindsey? Are you still there?"

"Yes, Eli, I am."

The teen's tone was strained, and made Eli's stomach churn uncomfortably.

"Did your Mom-"

"She told me what you asked her to. How's that make any difference? I- I really thought I'd gotten through to you. And then you just left, and I didn't hear from you, ever. I really, really liked you, Eli. And I was worried sick. Had Sofia not-" The teen stopped herself suddenly. "Aw shit!" She exclaimed. "I promised."

"What did you promise, Linds? What did Sofia do?"

"She has called me. A couple of times since she left, too. She- I- There was no one left, no one would talk to me. I was just a kid, barely a teenager. Everyone was so sad that Sara had died, they just tried to keep me as far from everything as possible. But Sofia, she saw me waiting for Ma in the break room, one day not long after you left, and she tried to explain, I guess what she didn't really understand herself at the time. When she left too, she told me she'd try and find you, and she'd call me to tell how you were doing, even if it was bad. And she did. Don't be mad at her. She stepped in where no one else would. I told her that I had come by your place that day. She- really, don't be angry, she has really helped, okay?"

Eli smiled to herself. Leave it to Sofia to never cease surprising her.

"I could never be angry at Sofia because of that. Actually, I'm thankful. I'm glad she told you. Are you mad at me, munchkin?"

Lindsey groaned into the speaker.

"You do realise I'm not exactly a kid anymore? So don't call me that. And I'm not mad. Eli, I'm 15 now. I kind of think I understand you better now."

"Anyway, I just wanted to call you. Why I haven't thought of it earlier, I don't know. I guess I still wasn't ready to be faced with much related to those past years. But Leonard just coming by, it made me see just how much I have hurt people. I can't promise to be a constant part of your lives again, but I'll send a mail or give you a call once in a while. I'm not just gonna disappear again."

"That's good."

A pause, and Eli heard the teen inhale deeply.

"You really never forgot?" She asked timidly.

"I didn't. You have no idea what impact that hug had on me. I made it through the following days, all because I knew that the young girl I had grown to like so much at least partly understood the pain I was in. That she of all people had the guts to confront me. To just hug me and then leave me be. I'm so grateful, Linds, you have no idea."

"You're welcome, Eli. Don't be a total stranger again, okay? Maybe if you have some vacation days... I'd really like to see you again one day."

"And you will. Say hi to your Mom for me, will you? And take care of yourself. I know it's _that_ age, but anyhow, okay?"

"No worries."

"So-"

"Hear ya soon?"

"You will."

"Then good-bye, Eli."

"Bye Linds."

* * *

><p>Sofia poked at her rucola leaves, making a face.<p>

"I think I just completely lost my appetite."

She looked up at Eli who sat across from her literally stabbing her steak with her fork and cutting off a rather large chunk of a bite before smothering it in herbed butter, and smacking her lips at Sofia's expression of utter disbelief.

"I know, right? Hard to comprehend, isn't it? I mean-" She stuffed the dripping piece of meat into her mouth, chewed for a second, then went on, brows arched, mouth full. "-it is Leonard. You just don't expect him doing that sort of thing. He was so happy. I mean, he really was, it wasn't just a floozy." More chewing, so she could finally force the bite down. She fidgeted with the steak knife, poking at the air between them, an errant drop of butter slowly crawling down the blade. "It was, it still is, all about Catherine. You don't want to hear about what happened when he first confided in me. I exploded in his face. Called him all sorts of names. Well, I kinda did that again, yesterday. But so much time has passed. I don't have to tell you that a tiny part of me had expected him to come seek me out, and not you. Though I knew sooner or later you'd show up. With him, it wouldn't have worked. I'd have probably pushed him off the terrace."

At that, Sofia actually laughed, but the frown quickly found the way back on her features.

"Of all people, if it came to truthfulness, my bet would have been on him."

Eli's brow rose, but she didn't comment immediately, instead busied herself with her dinner again. Until she couldn't hold it in.

"Over yourself?"

Sofia's head rose sharply, she'd just managed to continue eating, now she instantly lost interest in her food again, and she pursed her lips disdainfully.

"Yes, even over myself. I cheated on someone once. I know you did. I doubt you would've on Sara, but at least we both proved to having those tendencies in the past."

"I did cheat on Sara."

The blonde Lieutenant turned her head to the side in an angry movement before facing her friend again.

"You did not cheat on her. Sara had left you. The two of you were not together at the time. How many times will I have to say that until it will get through your thick skull and into that usually sharp brain?"

"It felt like cheating. That whole day was just so wrong."

Pushing the plate towards the middle of the table, Sofia just shook her head.

"What's gotten into you all of a sudden? I thought we'd been over this ages ago? How does it matter today anyway? Weren't we talking about Leonard and Catherine in the first place? How come everything comes back to us these days?"

Her tone had gotten angrier by the second, and Eli reached across the table for her hand, but Sofia withdrew before their fingertips could make contact.

"I wanna go back to the way we were. Before any of all those things happened."

"Don't be stupid. We're still here today. We're still us. Most of the time at least. Can't that just suffice? It has to for me."

"Does it?"

Sofia snorted with disbelief, again.

"Of course not. There's no going back to the innocence, the completeness of those days. But they're still there. They're such a great memory, don't spoil that."

Eli took a long gulp from her beer.

"I- I just want this to work."

"So do I. Then make it work with me. Help me out a bit here." Waving for the waiter, Sofia emptied her Chardonnay and quickly paid.

"You know, sometimes I think you're more afraid than I am." She gave Eli a look that conveyed that she was honestly a bit flustered.

Stunned by that sentence, Eli just let herself be dragged out into the night by a newly determined Sofia without being able to object or find any appropriate answer.

"Where are we going?" Was all she could get out as she got into the passenger side of Sofia's car.

"To have some fun. I think we both need that. I met that guy last week- well, you'll see..."

* * *

><p>As Eli took off the helmet two hours later, and brushed sweaty strains of hair out of her face, she was grinning, as wide as the Cheshire Cat. Mud clung to her overall and she accepted the cold, long-necked bottle Sofia handed her gladly.<p>

"You're such a bitch!"

"Aw, just admit to it, I was better."

"You pushed me aside! My quad almost got overturned. I skidded on two tires, Curtis."

"Don't be such a baby. I won square and fair, didn't I, Marcus?"

A tall, handsome man with light brown hair and kind hazel eyes checked on the quads they had just brought back from the floodlight illuminated outdoor race track, and winked at the smug blonde.

"You have to give her that, Det. Trent. She's damn good at driving these things."

"You're just saying that to get on her good side, mate."

Eli wrestled out of the borrowed clothes, finding her shirt and pants beneath damp and clinging to her body.

"Uh, I need to get into the warmth and I'm in desperate need of a shower."

Sofia eyed Eli suspiciously.

"You're deflecting."

Gruffly, Eli bellowed: "Hail, hail to the victor. I lost, you won. Happy now?"

"Very!"

They held their gazes for a couple of seconds, neither wanting to look away, cheeks rosy from the exertion and breath billowing in front of them in the still cool night air, they were stuck in a moment, yet neither realised it fully.

"Call it a night, boss?"

"We should."

"Got an early morning."

"Me, too."

Handing the helmets and overalls back to their owner for cleaning, Sofia made an attempt to try and pay for their little adventure, but Marcus refused.

"SFPD is welcome here anytime. I respect what you're doing for this city. I won't charge you, you guys need to clear your heads every once in a while. I'd be glad if you decided to come back some time."

Sofia shook his hand, not aware that he held on longer than necessary, and didn't press as curtly as he did while shaking Eli's.

Both were just too amped up by the rides they just had.

"My car's still in the Justice Hall's parking lot, you can drop me off there." Eli sighed as she fell into the car seat beside Sofia.

"Sure? I could drive you right home and pick you up in the morning?"

"No, it's okay, I have something to do before work tomorrow." She stretched and rubbed her hands across her face.

"Wow, that was great!" She drawled, tired, but content.

"It was. I'm gonna sleep so good tonight."

"Dreaming of your glory days in a coverall."

A punch to Eli's shoulder made her chuckle.

"Come on, you're a sore loser, Sofia, and you know it. So you won. You won."


	8. 5 Collision

**5. Collision**

"Don't cut it off again."

They were walking down a little slope in the park, Sofia's arm hooked with Eli's, on their way to Sweets to have a drink.

"What? I don't think so, Fia, I already have an appointment for tomorrow afternoon. You know I tried once before and gave up when they were still like an inch shorter than they are now. I was ordered to look scruffy and now it's just a pain. I gotta get rid of it. Like I got rid of all the sooty clothes and ridiculous accessories, too."

She pointed at the wayward curls atop her head.

"That's just not me! I'm not messy. I'm not used to having to actually use a blow dryer for longer than a minute in the mornings. And these waves are almost untameable. I don't even remember that I ever had to tuck hair behind my ears. I don't even recognise myself when I look in the mirror. Grmph!"

Sofia grinned at the spontaneous outraged rant prompted by nothing but a hairdo, and picked a leaf out of Eli's hair (that actually lay prettily in wavy lines and didn't make her look any less put together than usual).

"_I_ would recognise you anywhere and no matter what you wear or how much you changed your appearance, and this is only the length of your bloody hair. But apart from that, I simply like it."

There was a slight hesitation to Eli's turn of her head, her studying the blonde beside her intently. The simple compliment made her smile though, yet the underlying reason why warmth invading her cheeks went along with it disturbed her.

"Do you really think it suits me?"

Turning away from Sofia again, Eli, alarmingly nervous, ran her hand through her hair and frowned.

"I do."

Eli's avoidance in meeting her eyes was understood as an aftereffect of _the incident_, and Sofia decided to just let it slide.

They stopped short underneath an old oak, Sofia held back by the insistent tug of Eli's hand.

Eli stared at the bark and her face held an incredulous expression.

"I cannot believe I only remember this just now."

Welcoming the distraction her discovery offered, she ran her hands over the brittle surface, then laughed and motioned Sofia closer.

"Here, can you see that?"

Sofia squinted and could make out the faint lines of a carved heart and the initials E and F.

"Did you do this?"

She asked Eli, stepping closer, her finger finding the bark, tracing the E while her other hand was still gripped tightly.

Eli nodded with a smile.

"When I was 16. I was in love with this girl from my soccer team, a forward, fast, tall, slim, incredibly bossy, the only one who could put me in my place at that age. She was the first I 'went steady' with. The girl I kinda took to prom. The first I ever had sex with. She didn't care about anyone's opinion about the two of us. It was my longest relationship. Well, before Sara."

Lovingly Eli brushed over the F, her eyes clouding over, almost forgotten memories drifting to the surface.

"Her name was Florentine. She hated it. It was always just Eli and Flo. Lots of mischief, kisses behind the sports hall, under the bleachers, sharing our first forbidden beers, sneaking out to go see a concert we weren't supposed to go to."

She looked at Sofia who smiled at her tenderly.

"You're the only one I've ever shown this. I completely forgot about it."

Wrapping her arm around Eli's waist as they resumed their way again, Sofia asked.

"What happened?"

Eli huffed.

"She moved to Sweden. Or rather her father got to be the CEO of some big firm's branch in Stockholm. Her parents didn't know we were more than best friends. The tears just wouldn't stop and they'd allowed her to spend their last night with me. Angsty teenage sex and promises to never forget each other, to stay in contact. We managed six months. Man, my mom had a rough time with me back then..."

Sofia squeezed Eli's arm.

"Thanks for sharing this with me."

Eli fidgeted with her pack of cigarettes, uncharacteristically fumbling to get the lighter to work.

"Hun?"

It didn't escape Sofia that there was more to the story than Eli was telling her.

"Huh?"

Puffing smoke into the cool evening air, Eli scrunched up her face and avoided Sofia's inquiring gaze.

"Just tell me."

"Hmpf..."

"Eli-" The warning sing-song in Sofia's tone made Eli relent.

"When I went through all my email that I received those past months, there was one from her."

The reluctance to share with her gave Sofia pause. But Eli seemed to have found the words.

"She's visiting San Francisco. In fact, she should already be in town. And she told me she'd really like to see me again. To catch up, to see who we've become. I don't know if I wanna see her. It hurt, you know? It wasn't like 'the first cut is the deepest' or something, that was always Sara for me, but then again, you never forget your first, do you?"

Despite the hint of jealousy that crept into Sofia's mind at all the possible scenarios that might ensue when Eli met her teenage love again, she smiled softly, knowingly.

"No, you don't. It seems at least my first had been a good one, I won't forget him either. Such a sweet boy, nothing at all like most hunks I seemed to have been drawn to afterwards." Looking wistful, Sofia poked Eli in the arm. "You should go meet her. Over twenty years have passed; I bet you have so much to talk about."

Eli nodded slowly, but still frowned.

"What if we changed too much? What if we don't get along anymore? We were teenagers, Fia. We might have been madly in love, but we never got to find out how and most of all who we were as grown-ups."

"Then you'll find out now."

"I don't want to spoil these memories. I don't want to sit in a café with a stranger and realise I have nothing in common with her anymore."

This time it was Sofia who tugged at Eli's arm.

"Hun, should that really happen, which I doubt by the way, you just get up, hug her, tell her that it was nice seeing her and then you just leave and venture off into the past and remember her like you used to. Then you come over and we'll have a couple of drinks and you can fall asleep on my couch with ESPN on, okay?"

Eli laughed, heartily, and wrapped Sofia into her arms.

"I love you. You're just perfect, you always know just what to say to make me feel comfortable."

Eli couldn't see the flash of emotions across Sofia's face, since it was pressed into her shoulder, but she felt the body in her arms stiffening.

"Stop saying that."

Eli held on, huffing humorously.

"But I mean it."

"Wrong kind of love, Eli."

"Nothing could ever be wrong about love... Now don't scowl. You know you're my one and only, Curtis."

Sofia shoved Eli off and slapped her biceps in pretended playfullness to smooth over the true extent of her upset.

"Yeah, until you figure out that the hot teen chick is a smokin' hot almost forty-year-old and you're banging her into the next weekend, forgetting about me."

Dark brown brows were raised and what was meant to be a reassuring touch to a forearm hovered midway between them, unsure. Still Eli couldn't fight her nature to smirk salaciously and say what she probably better should have kept to herself.

"Hey, if that's still the fact that she's as hot, who could blame me? It wouldn't be serious, you know that. She lives in fuckin' Boston now. I don't even know if she's married or something, I don't know anything."

Turning more serious than she had planned after the initial banter, Sofia sighed trying to hide the sting Eli's casual comment provoked and cupped Eli's cheeks and gazed directly into her eyes.

"Hey, listen, no one would blame you, Eli. I'm glad you've come to the point you're at today. I wouldn't blame you. I'd be happy if it made you happy, even if it was just for a few short moments. That's all I ask for. I want you to be as happy as you possibly can be."

Eli swallowed hard, the change in the air between them getting to her, and she tried to keep the tears that all of a sudden threatened to fall at bay.

"I don't deserve you."

It was the truth, as far as Eli was concerned. The absolute truth.

"You do. In a weird way, we do deserve each other very much."

Silence hung between them for some long seconds and Eli couldn't school her features as they stayed focused on Sofia, until the blonde broke it, almost stumbling backwards.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Parted lips closed and opened again, and Eli unconsciously ran her tongue across her bottom lip again before she slowly asked.

"Uhm, like what?"

Sofia eyed Eli suspiciously.

"I don't wanna say it."

"Spill it, Fia, how did I just look at you?"

The gaze set firmly on Eli wavered.

"Like you wanted to kiss me and I don't want you to want to kiss me, not after..."

Smiling ruefully, Eli withdrew. She stared at her friend, long and wordless, as if looking for clues where there were none. Or more than she could ever even dare to think. Then, almost a whisper.

"I wish I could just be in love with you the same way you are."

"_What?_"

Eli inhaled deeply and repeated, with a conviction that she'd just discovered she had.

"I wish I could love you the way you want me to love you."

Sofia took another step back, hurt painted across her features. Enough was enough. This was getting tiring, it was like the last incident had taught Eli nothing, despite her contradictory promises.

The loathe Sofia felt for their hopeless situation, at least when it came to this topic, had finally reached its boiling point and her ire spilled over.

God, hadn't they somehow been here before, just a couple of months ago? The same place, yet different, with all the things that lay wide open now still unspoken secrets? Why couldn't they just remain in that safe zone, why did everything have to end in a fight lately? In disappointing the other? Why could what had mended them together tear them apart time and time again?

She was exhausted beyond belief, beyond anything she'd ever felt before.

Her noble intentions, her sense of belonging, her need for this friendship to remain as mostly intact as they had managed this long swayed dangerously.

She just didn't know how to take any more.

The pain she felt was unforgiving, and unrelenting this time.

"But you don't, so stop talking about it like it was an actual possibility. All you wanna do is _fuck_ me once in a while. Or obviously kiss me for no apparent reason. Stop fucking with my feelings, Eli. I try to make it work that our friendship can be enough. And it was, it is, most of the time, even though it's hard sometimes. It all went so well. It went so well, don't destroy this."

Sofia knew her reaction might seem blown out of proportion to her friend. But the honesty in Eli's words shook her to the core. This, those words, was exactly what she wouldn't even allow herself to admit she was thinking more often than was healthy. If only... If only Eli would wake up one day and see her in a different light. If only she could let go of her doubts and consider it a real possibility. It hurt to hear Eli utter these words. It hurt more than she could have fathomed. More than falling asleep cuddled up on a couch, more than the ribbing that still went on between them, more than the heat that spread through her every time Eli hugged her a little closer than seemed necessary or they went out and people assumed they were a couple, when they were everything but.

So she lashed out. In more or less self-defense. Her last resort. She was precariously close to giving up, despite the importance Eli held in all other respects.

Eli blanched and tried to step forward, reaching out.

"Sofia, hey, I'm sorry... I know it's hard, but sometimes I just... Sometimes I'm just an insensible bastard. Please, I'm sorry! I should have known better, after all-"

But Sofia interrupted her harshly.

"No! Not this time. You know what? Go have those drinks alone. I'm really glad you came back safe, that you're back in Homicide, and such a big part of my life. I'm thankful for us and how we managed to grow, the both of us, throughout the past year. But right now I just can't deal with you. It seemed so simple. I wanted another taste of what I'm never gonna have and you, you were just being- you! Hot and daring one second and vulnerable and still broken the next. But I thought we had sorted that out, once and for all... And now you go and say something like that. Oh, how I wished, Eli! And you know what hurts the most? That I can't stop myself from hoping that one day, you really might. Because yes, goddammit, we are so good together. You and me, we've been through shit. We've won, we've lost. But we're still here. We hold each other's hand and we share fucking everything. We could be so much more..." Her focus wandered off to a place in the distance above Eli's left shoulder. "Ah, fuck! Just leave me the fuck alone!" As strained as her voice had been in the beginning, almost tinged with tears before it broke with anger, it was a croaked yell that spit out the last words. Almost disgusted. Final.

Holding her hands up to stop Eli advancing, Sofia caught Eli's glance once more and her eyes told the taller woman she was serious about it this time.

"Go, call Florentine. Get yourself laid. Maybe you're a little less thoughtless when you've gotten some. After all, I know exactly how long it's been. And don't even try to deny it. You miss it. You need it. Stop fooling yourself. And fucking stop projecting. Just fuck you! Right now, I'm done with you. I love you, for all that you are, and I've come to accept that what had always mattered most between us was more than enough for me to love _us_ just the way we are. But I'm not so sure anymore. There is a line. Somewhere, I have to draw a line or I'll be lost. There's only so many times you can have your heart broken by the same person..."

Eli once again found herself staring at Sofia's retreating figure until she disappeared down the slope and was completely out of sight, vanished into the darkness.

The brisk night air made Eli shudder just as much as the memory of the pained expression on her friend's face and the fact that she hadn't looked back once when walking away. She threw her head back and gazed up into the sky, where the first stars just started to appear in the few clear spaces between heavy grey clouds that announced rain.

"Sar, how come I always fuck good things up, time and time again? Why do I always hurt the people I love the most? I don't have to tell you what she means to me, do I? You probably knew long before I did. So you know just how much I'm afraid of losing her because of my stupidity some day. I love you, Waves. But I think I could use a little guidance once in a while. Think you can think of something?"

Talking to Sara in moments of doubt had begun helping Eli quite some time ago. She was sure she was being understood.

Looking into the direction of the busy streets, where the darkness of the park ended and the flashing nightlife began, Eli didn't feel like going out alone at all. A quick glance at her wrist watch told her it wasn't too late yet to turn into a different direction.

She tapped on her phone until she found the number she was looking for.

"Hey... Are you still at work? - Oh, thank goodness. Think I could drop by for a beer or two? I think I need someone to talk to. And some drinks, seriously. Got anything stronger than beer around?- Good. - What? - No, that's the problem, actually. I can't talk to her right now. - Yeah, I did say something stupid. *Pause* Not just stupid, I think I did manage to fuck it up entirely. - I'll be there in 15. Thanks, Haley..."

* * *

><p>There was no roar as Eli pushed the door to the darkened tattoo parlour open with a hand that felt heavy and tired, almost devoid of any of its usual strength. The bell was off as were most of the lights, but there was a big old black candle flickering on the table in front of the sofa, already burnt halfway down. A not the least bit surprised sigh escaped Eli's lips as she spotted the bottle of Tequila beside it, still frosted, the two shot glasses and the lime wedges on a wooden chopping board. Thundering drums escaped the jukebox, low enough not to disturb anyone, but loud enough to make Eli smile just the tiniest bit as she was reminded of different times, nights she spent here ages ago.<p>

"I know you don't usually resort to drinking anymore, but today... You sounded so-" Haley stepped out of the backroom, balancing a bowl with nuts in one hand and paper tissues and a salt shaker in the other. Her eyes found Eli's as she finished her sentence. "-Lost."

"Put that down and come here, Haley."

The small, black haired woman hurried towards the table and stuff clattered onto the wooden surface, before she hastily turned around and flung herself in Eli's arms, holding on as tightly as she could manage.

"What's the matter with you, baby? What the fuck happened? What did you do to end up looking like you do right now?"

Eli still squeezed a little harder and exhaled sharply.

"I'm gonna need a couple of those before I can even gather my thoughts enough to make sense again, I guess." She pushed Haley off at arm's length, but had her hands still clasped at her upper arms. "No. Maybe I need to say this right now or I'll never bring it out. I told Sofia that I wished I could love her the way she wants me to love her. After we almost ended up in bed - again - just recently, and promised each other to firmly remain in the friends zone to not beg for disaster to strike again. Naturally she went ballistic on me. And rightfully so."

Eli sank into the cushioned sofa, burying her head in her hands, not unlike she had on that bed in the hotel that darned night. Muffled, through her fingers, she pushed the words that stuck to her tongue like a peanut butter cup would to the roof of her mouth out. "It sounded, it felt final this time. This time I really went too far, I hurt her badly enough for her to completely withdraw. But the thing is, what I cannot fathom, can't- shouldn't even dare to think about, because I could never go through with it, is-" Eli looked up and found Haley's eyes. Eyes filled with compassion and sympathy, eyes that seemed eerily suspecting, even understanding about what thoughts ran through Eli's mind, of what she would allow herself to say out loud for the first time, a thought she had started thinking all the way through to the bottom line just now. A feeling that was still so unrefined, so vague, but so definitely _existent_ that there was no way denying it any longer. "I think I already do. Love her. I just can't-"

Haley slid to the ground beside Eli's legs, placing her hands on trembling knees, calming, for once quiet to let Eli sort out the chaos that seemed to reign her mind.

"I just cannot imagine to ever doing something about it that would make it real. Too much is at stake. I might have already lost too much today. I can never tell her. Because I could never be _with_ her. Not like that. How could I be with anyone again? Ever? After all I've had? I couldn't do right by her. She deserves so much better. I deserve nothing, because I already had it all. But what I'm feeling, Haley... I can't completely deny what it is I'm feeling lately when I'm with her."

Eli looked up.

"I needed to say it once. I needed to get it out. Now I need to move on. She can never know. Never. It'll kill her. It'll destroy every last chance we have to ever get back to being friends."

Still, Haley was just quietly rubbing the tensed muscles in Eli's thighs.

"Hal, say something! You always have something to say. Why don't you just go ahead and say it?"

But the dark haired woman said nothing. She just turned and filled the two shot glasses up to the rim, picked up two slices of lime, handing one to Eli, who immediately ran it across the back of her hand and reached for the salt.

The shots were taken in silence, and immediately followed by a second, then a third.

Eli burped quietly and Haley grinned.

"Girl, you have a way of saying things like no one else I know." Eli drawled, her tongue a bit heavy from the effect of three large Tequilas in such quick succession.

Dark blue eyes peered up at her.

"Remember what I told you when you came for your back piece, when you told me about your suspicions about the true depth of Sofia's feelings towards you?"

Eli scrunched up her face, she remembered, vividly.

"You have to talk to her."

When Eli turned away from her, Haley firmly planted herself on the couch beside her friend, her fingers finding Eli's chin, forcing her to face her again.

"Listen carefully now. You have to tell her. She has the right to at least know what you're struggling with. Or you will never find solid enough grounds to base your friendship upon. The more you're not telling each other, the less of a chance you have to reconcile. Do you want to lose her for good, Eli?"

Eli screwed her eyes shut.

"No, of course not. I need Sofia in my life. I don't know where I would be without her."

"Try to forget about the past for a moment, hun."

The reaction was explosive as Eli yelled, tears spilling from tired eyes without warning.

"I can't. I cannot and will not let the past be the past. I cannot make any decision without taking the past into consideration. I made a promise. I was months away from making vows, vows that shall never be broken. My love was exclusive-"

A hand clamped over Eli's mouth and cut her off before she could utter even one more word.

"_Was _exclusive. Exactly. It doesn't have to be for all eternity when one of the people making those vows is just not there anymore. You've already made your way into such a promising future. You achieved so much ever since Sara died. Things you thought you'd never get to doing again, too. Why deny yourself the chance to not only feel love again, but live it, love that you're not alone with, love that is honestly reciprocated?"

Eli wrenched out of Haley's grip, then jumped off the couch, wiping furiously across her face, hating the tears that had escaped so easily.

"You don't understand, Haley. No one seems to understand. I can't. And I can't even deal with your bullshit insightful talking from your gut-feeling-crap right now. Thanks for the drinks. But I- I'm gonna go. Just forget it, okay?"

"Eli-"

Swiveling around, pain and irritation was etched deeply into Eli's features.

"No. Just-no. I can't talk to her. If I open up to her, there will always be this lingering feeling of hope inside her. And I can't give her that. I can't give her hope. Because I honestly believe there is none. Even if I did feel strongly enough about her to consider it, I would only end up disappointing her. Comparing her. I'd withdraw at the most inconvenient moments, I'd forget that she's even there for days, I'll wake up crying in the middle of the night, I'll yell at her for no reason just because I'm having a bad day and I remember how it used to be. I can't do that to her. She deserves so much more than this, even though she truly believes she wants it."

Haley had listened quietly, but now stepped forward, her features hardened, eyes steely.

"You know what, Eli? Cut that woman some slack. She's put up with your abuse and your mood swings and your memories for this long. She never took a step back, only when you crossed the lines. The Sofia I got to know doesn't give anything up easily. And I'm more than sure she wouldn't give up on you once she had you. She'd go through it all with you, by your side, head held high, if you'd just let her. She knows she can't replace Sara. She doesn't want to. She wants to offer you something new. And you're so afraid, Eli. But it seems to me you're the only one who lets that fear rule her life. She's a fighter. She fought for you once and succeeded. I tell you, my friend, she will again. When you least suspect it, it'll happen."

Eli snorted, shook her head and headed for the door.

Before stepping out into the night, she turned.

"I appreciate the pep-talk. I love that about you, that you have so much faith in people. But on me, this time, it's wasted."

The door fell heavily into its lock and Haley sank back into the cushioned seat, defeated and at the end of her wits.

"Oh, Eli..." She sighed into the empty room. "What will it take you to understand?"


	9. 6 Teenage kicks

**I'm having a hard time writing. This was hard work and strayed so far from the initial idea I had for this chapter that it isn't even funny anymore how much material I deleted. It's just been proofread once, not beta'd or properly edited and I apologise for any mistakes or even inconsistencies. I am aware that my complete timeline is fucked up, should I EVER find the time, I'm gonna go back through all three parts and correct those issues.**

**If anyone is still reading this long-winded tale that I love with all my heart, thank you! I'm gonna bring it to a conclusion, no matter how much sleep I'm gonna have to sacrifice.**

**As usual, flashbacks are in_ italics._**

* * *

><p><strong>6. Teenage kicks<strong>

_The aquamarine hue at the edge of the horizon announced the beginning of the day already. Eli shifted in their joined sleeping bags, carefully enough not to disturb the softly snoring figure next to her, barely enough to catch that hint at the blue hour closing in. Inevitably. They had left the flaps of the small tent open, it had been late enough for even the mosquitoes to have given up on trying to feed off them, but the campfire still glowed, the woman in her arms not yet tired of the sight. Nor of the wine, or the company. _

_The summer had left the grounds they slept on radiating with warmth, the moss dark green and dry, the trees almost reaching their most radiant intensity as they swayed lightly in the breeze. They were enveloped in the glory of nature, and contrary to this morning, all the colours surrounding them had reflected this eternal comfort of the changing of the seasons. Now the world had turned a steely blue, the forest still and statuesque, almost making her feel that if she took a breath too deep, she would wake them. The clearing was wide enough and open to the flat of a plain, rocks and patches of high grass alternating and giving way to a view at the mountains._

_Stirring distracted Eli. The small space they shared seemed to heat up with her sleeping companion's growing closeness. They had drifted apart during the night, it figured they would after the past weeks, like life had a way to transpire, creep into this crevice of their time, too._

_Relishing in the momentary closeness, Eli made no move to alert to her wakefulness. She just stared, not yet at peace again, at the landscape washed in blues. Cold compared to what she sought._

_"Do you know what your middle name means, sweetness?" Sara's voice was laced with sleep and exhaustion, and if Eli squinted she could detect that hint of exasperation that it had taken on some time ago now. Calmly, not even startled by missing that Sara had woken up, she shook her head, unconsciously and completely unnecessary, since Sara's back was turned to her._

_"No, I actually don't." She added just to make sure._

_"It means 'powerful battler'."_

_She snorted. "Well that's the only thing I can actually relate to when thinking of that god-awful heirloom."_

_Very well knowing her sarcasm wasn't well received lately, she still couldn't bring herself to not react the same way all over again._

_But Sara let it slide, this time, she just propped herself up on her elbow, craning her neck so her hair fell in waves to the side and she could look at Eli out of the corner of her eyes._

_"I was gonna go somewhere with that, just listen."_

_Her alertness was almost scary. Eli herself seemed to drift on a cloud forged out of the volatile mixture of relief and expectation. _

_Taking a chance, she brushed the dark strands even more to the side and fleetingly kissed the side of Sara's neck, her lips lingering for a second, meaning nothing but 'I'm listening'._

_Sara's sigh was paired with the first tendril of sunlight falling across the plain._

_"You fight too hard, Sparrow. You fight for more than your strength's worth. You do not have to carry the weight of the world around with you. You are not choosing your battles well, and you would be more powerful resolving those who so desperately need resolving if you concentrated your _abundance_ of strength on those few rather than trying to save the damn fucking planet."_

_It definitely was too early for swearing. Or heavy, even loaded conversations like this. She needed at least two cups of coffee and being awake longer than 10 minutes before she could keep up. Eli's brow creased in confusion, her hand already seeking out the zipper that would open their cocoon to the cold outside._

_"It's such a fitting name." She could almost taste the tears that laced Sara's voice now, hear them even though the still sleep-laden rasp. "What am I gonna do with you, Eli?"_

_Seconds ticked by, then minutes. Lighter and lighter the sky outside, the blue fading and giving way to the true colours of early morning, mid September. _

_Birds chirped, their song of dawn almost sung. The sound of the wind rustling the leaves reached Eli's ears again. _

_The hand that slipped underneath the hem her grandpa long sleeve and settled on the outer ridge of her ribcage was too warm and too familiar, and Eli flinched away, almost violently. But the pressure on her newest acquirement in scars didn't lessen._

_"I love you." It was the second time Eli ever felt like Sara almost choked on those words. "I love you." Quieter, with more insistence. "I love you." Final. A breath expelled in a resigned huff and the warmth disappeared so abruptly that Eli flinched again, not the least bit ready to feel the loss of it so acutely._

_The air condensed on front of Eli's mouth as she was left alone in the tent._

_And Sara was already stoking to relight the fire, in desperate need of caffeine. Of forcing the fog in her mind to clear. Maybe if they stayed here a little bit longer... _

_"I can't change that much. Not even for you." _

_More a breath than even a whisper, it escaperd Eli, fearful._

_The brunette turned around, and though shaking her head almost in disbelief, her expression was full of comfort, understanding, even though Eli knew she was struggling._

_"No, sweetness, not for me. But you can, if you do it for yourself."_

_How had she even managed to hear that? Eli's brows furrowed, mouth falling slightly open._

_"So it's hard right now. So what? Nothing can always be easy. I won't run away because it does get hard now and again. What gets to me is that sometimes I get the feeling you still don't believe me fully when I say I love you." She shook her head again. "I know you do. I know you understand what this is. But you're making it so hard on _yourself_, Eli. And I'm mostly just worried. Not about us, about you. What it all will do to _you_. You'll crash and burn, one day, if you keep at it like this. And I won't let you." Unrelenting.  
><em>

_Having the fire going again, Sara filled the metal pot with ground coffee and water from a big plastic container, hanging it back on the hook over the fire._

_"Your worry came across a lot like anger lately." Eli stayed defensive, not knowing how to respond any other way._

_"Do you think I have a temper?" Sara just inquired, neutrally._

_Eli almost, almost smiled._

_"Oh yes, you do. Have that."_

_"There you go. You can be such a stubborn, self-contained fool sometimes that I just want to smash a plate across your head."_

_Looking down at her hands fidgeting with the zipper of their sleeping bags, Eli scowled. She looked so much like a child that moment that Sara had to swallow, hard._

_"Marry me, Eli."_

_Eli's head shot up, stare blank, mind blank, hands still, faculties gone, completely._

_Sara just shook her head._

_"That wasn't how it was supposed to go." She took a deep breath, tensed her shoulders before relaxing them again, slowly turning fully towards a still shell-shocked Eli._

_"You are the most infuriating, stubborn, passionate, beautiful, amazing person I have ever met. I love you so much that it physically hurts sometimes. I love you more than I knew I could ever love somebody. I understood what loving someone, committing to someone, going through thick and thin with someone really meant, because of you. It was a long time coming, but it happened when we both were actually ready to really do this. And I don't wanna stop. Not now, not when the next obstacle is to overcome, not _ever_. I told you once, and I won't grow tired of repeating myself. This is it for me, Eli. You're it. Nothing could stop me from loving you. And showing you, in all my different ways. Whether I laugh with you, lie with you, argue with you, sulk at you, wait for you to catch up with me, yell at you or just rest my head on your shoulder and fall asleep with you right beside me. I love you. So marry me, Eli. It is time I finally asked you."_

_The tears came unbidden and overwhelmingly intense. Strong enough to rob Eli of all words. All that escaped her mouth was an ugly sob, but she scrambled to get up and out of the confines of sleeping bag and tent, certainly ruining her chinos when she slid down to the overgrown ground beside Sara. Hesitantly she reached out for the brunette's hand that found hers instantly, fingers entwining._

_"I-" Eli cleared her throat, her other hand wiping furiously at her eyes, while Sara was silently watching her, not gauging her reaction, not even really waiting, just looking at her with those soulful, honest eyes._

_"I- yes. Yes of course, I'll marry you. I- why- now?"_

_Sara's hand finds her cheek, stroking it softly, wiping the last tears away, her thumb across a cheekbone, then lower, brushing her lips, so reverently, her eyes so clear as they bore into hers, so knowing, so sure._

_"Because I just cannot wait until we get home. Screw the dinner that's waiting for us. Screw that the ring is in the lockbox with my gun. Screw the candles and wine and Etta. I had Etta planned. Because 'at last', you know? At long last... Screw that set of underwear that cost me a damn fucking fortune, really. I don't need that. We don't. This, this is us, right here, like this."_

_The finger tugged at Eli's bottom lip more insistent now while Sara slowly leaned forward._

_"I love you."_

_Their lips touched, and Eli would never get over how this felt just like the very first time all over again. Exhilaratingly, frighteningly perfect. They got lost in the kiss, not ashamed of more tears that were shed and wiped away again. _

_It was the smell of burning coffee that finally got them to part, staring at the fire and the smoking pot, and laughing about nothing but this being so typically - them._

* * *

><p>Some memories came creeping when she least needed them to. And ones like this once again strengthened the fabric of perfection Eli had thrown over her whole relationship with Sara just enough to sadden her to the point of wanting to crawl into bed and not get up for days. How could she ever even begin to think she could leave this to the past. How could her love for someone else ever be fair? How could anyone ever live up? No matter how different, in her heart she knew she couldn't do it. She just couldn't. She just wanted to sleep forever, dream forever, remember forever.<p>

Have forever.

But she couldn't do that anymore now, could she? Realisation was a bitch. Going on living and understanding what that meant was cruel and undeniable at the same time.

Most of all, she already was in bed, and she wasn't alone. No time to wallow, not now.

The arm wound around her waist held her tightly, even in her sleep the blonde couldn't seem to let go of her. Eli closed her eyes, fighting the inevitable hangover she felt building behind her forehead. Last night it had felt so right. Frighteningly enough it still did. And these butterfly kisses scattered all over her shoulder blades then shattered her resolve and let the memories, recent and old, fade into distance.

"Mornin'..." The Bostonian inflection in her voice still irked Eli. "They're still there." Bemused fascination.

Huh? She scrunched up her face, befuddled.

"Your tats, silly. I thought I'd had this dream, where I met my first love again, twenty years later, and she was just as tall and dark and handsome and broody and sarcastic, but she was also one huge work of art. You know how I love art."

The tip of a tongue at the base of her neck made her hair instantly stand on end. The groan that erupted was low and rumbling.

"She definitely appreciates your adoration, even though it's only in dreams. Mmh, that kind, too. Feels more real now, doesn't it?"

The chuckle was outrageously dirty, but welcome.

One, two, three days had faded into a week of daily lunches, then lunches and dinners, then theatre and drinks, and finally this.

"Florentine." Her name still held some of the flavour of stale, stolen beer, chap stick, the chalky air of gym changing rooms, and first declarations of love over cherry pie in her grandmother's garden café.

"Elisabeth." Perfectly timed with a pinch to a very sensitive spot, Eli's aggravation vanished into a moan.

Flo let go and fell back into the cushions, her eyes rolling up before fixing Eli with a burning stare.

"God, can you do that again?" A perfectly plucked and now arched eyebrow exemplified the changes Flo had gone through, from gangly teenager who spent most of her day in cleats, and training and studying were her whole world, not giving much on appearances, she'd grown into a woman that made heads swivel, surely, who had a sense of fashion matching Eli's own, but in a decidedly feminine capacity. The dirty blonde hair once carelessly swept up in a practical ponytail was now a shade lighter, brown highlights setting off her hazel eyes, and fell in neat waves around her angular, sculpted face. She kept herself well in shape, and Eli was sure she could still outrun her like in their goalkeeper vs. forward days. Eli's best guess was on equal amounts of jogging, Pilates and weights. Florence closing in on forty wasn't too far a cry from her teenage self, just more sophisticated and simply grown out of training shorts and baggy hoodies.

Eli lazily turned into the embrace that felt at the same time comfortable and strange, her eyes wide open now.

"What exactly do you mean? It's like we don't have established a kind of a variety to choose from over the past-" Eli stopped to look at the bedside clock that read a frightening 11:34am. "-11 hours."

Flo sank back into the cushions, her hair fanning out around them as she smirked.

"How about - everything."

Already dialing room service, Eli huffed good-naturedly. "God, you do realise I'm not 16 anymore. I'm not a machine."

The hand running up and down her spine made her stumble over her words as she tried to order breakfast. It also didn't help much that Flo breathed into her ear. "But you're built like one. It's enthralling to watch you exert yourself. Flex again, will you?"

It was not too weird to admire the same treats about one another.

And Eli did flex some more muscles before Greek Yogurt, diced fruit, whole-wheat toast, a selection of Italian cheeses, a skinny soy latte and a large, very sweet black coffee arrived.

When Florentine left for Boston another week later, Eli was left behind feeling fulfilled, sufficiently distracted, and a tad more sure of an important, so far neglected part of her past. Finally having worked through her first loss, she had gained some clarity that had been lacking in her other musings.

They'd told each other everything. In minute detail, they had shared their respective life stories, the mutual trust driving them to not leave out or embellish even the hardships, and they've both had their share.

The dwindling of contact was much easier to understand now. After all, they had been teenagers. They'd been in love, for the first time, truly and honestly, but both knew it hadn't been the love that kept people together for a lifetime or even beyond. The beauty lay in the recollection of it all, how they had each shaped the other into something they wouldn't have become otherwise, in the most impressionable period of every person's life. The loss had hurt, had left its mark deeply, resonating with every new loss that came upon them, and to understand that had probably been the most enlightening moment of the past two weeks. And it was the moment of forgiveness, for more than just the way their relationship had ended. But for the way most things ended somehow, and yet you could go on, you could find that it was not abandoning, but simply change, and moving on. And it didn't always have to be a tragic thing.

The physical manifestation of their renewed bond was just that, two people who had loved like crazy once reconnecting. It was attraction 2.0, it was a rediscovery and though everything was new, everything was familiar. Their shares of experiences acknowledged, and put to very good use, they complimented each other perfectly, just like they'd always had, and for three days in a row Eli woke to the most glorious ache and pleasurable exhaustion she'd known in a long while.

On the forth it was for an entirely different reason. When Flo showed up at the fenced-in street soccer facility, usually used by a wild bunch of teenagers who couldn't afford training camps or driving far out to the big soccer fields, it was a grey Saturday morning, too early for anyone to be using the court, and her gym bag fell heavy on the metal bench. She really looked like the old Flo now. Ponytail, little to no makeup, New England Revolution jersey and shorts. Old school Sambas on her feet, knee-highs and even shin guards underneath.

"You still play sometimes?" Eli asked while lacing her Beckenbauers tightly. Strange that the topic soccer had not once come up in their dusk till dawn talks.

Flo grinned sheepishly. "I may have joined an amateur women's league when I finally got settled in Boston and knowing I wouldn't leave any time soon."

"Sonofabitch!" Eli exclaimed. "You're gonna kill me, aren't you?"

"Eli. Soccer is a team sport. We're only fooling around here. This is not Basketball. One on one in soccer is rather dull..."

"Then why are we doing this again?"

"Because we haven't in far too long. Come visit Boston and I'm sure it can be arranged that Becca will give you a try at her goal. She's always up for some competition, most of all when it's good."

She looks at Eli with the sort of happy/sad melancholy on her face that makes the other woman want to instantly hug her.

"You are gonna visit, yeah?"

Eli smacks her lips and doesn't look up at Flo as she gets the ball out of her bag.

"I will. I already have a couple of vacation days, and I'm planning not to fall back into old habits too much. Since I don't really want to go visit Vegas and-" at this she just shrugs like she hadn't even known herself this would come so naturally. "I actually really don't want to lose contact with you again, Boston it is."

"Good." The blonde smiles. " Me neither."

They look at each other while Eli bounces the ball on her closed fist.

"You can always use a good friend in your life."

"I think the same about you, Flo."

When they share an obscene amount of pancakes in a diner down the road two hours later, still sweating and positively tired, Florence can't help but address the topic Sofia once more. Eli has sure made her point about the Lieutenant Flo would die to meet in person, but even after all these years her instincts about her friend's sensitivities have not abandoned her.

"So, what are you gonna do about your fallout with Sofia."

Eli glares at her across the old wooden table.

"Don't." She warns, but Flo just huffs.

"Come on... You really expect me to gather all this knowledge about you and not get back to the points? Didn't we go over this? I am more than happy about the way we can talk to each other today, about how easy it is to just be friends again. So I am being a friend here. Tomorrow afternoon I'll be on a plane back home. We'll write mails, there will be the occasional phone call and I'll send you ridiculous pics of me with my nieces and nephews. We'll sure talk about important stuff, too, but it's not the same, it's not eye to eye."

Silence and chewing. Typical Eli. Stubborn.

"So Sofia is your touchstone. The one without whom you would not have been able to get to where you are today."

Eli nodded. Florence was merely stating what she herself had said about her friend.

"And let me get this straight here, because even though others might have addressed it-" Dark eyebrows rose in contempt of what was to come, but Flo was undeterred. "-you need to hear it from me, too. You, despite your loss, despite your pain, despite your desperate attempts not to, despite being too foolishly honourable of Sara's memory, you have fallen in love, again." The pause was not artificial, Flo fixed Eli with a hard stare. "Come to fucking terms with it. She's dead, Eli." There was no venom in Flo's voice, her words didn't intend to hurt, they were meant to simply state a fact. "You are not betraying your commitment to her. You're not giving something up here. You just keep on living. So go and fucking live! You're love is not unrequited, neither is it undeserved. You are a loveable person. And Sofia tried to do right by you by hesitating to address the topic. By trying so hard to just be the friend you want instead of the partner you need. She's respecting your idiosyncrasies more than she should. This isn't just a crush. I can see you, you know? I saw that gulp and I can see you're as close to tears as you can be. This isn't just something that will go away. You love her, Eli. Trust your heart, it gave you Sara. Trust your heart to have chosen the right person again. Don't let it be another ten years before you are able to make up for the past. Don't make the same mistake twice."

"I-" An arched eyebrow stopped Eli instantly.

"Shut up and eat."

Florence herself forked pancake into her mouth with vigor. Eli just sat, knife mid-air, mouth hanging open.

"Bossy."

The blonde just waved her cutlery through the air. Final.

"You heard me. Shut up, eat, and think of ways to get your head out of your ass. Ways to overcome that guilt. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Death is a part of life, whether we want it to be or not. Taking into consideration what you chose as a profession, how you deal with death on a daily basis, what you have told the bereaved over and over again, you should be able to rationally consider your own behaviour. But come to a fucking conclusion before it's too late."

The good bye was not as hard as Eli'd thought. Despite the short amount of time they had spent together, both she and Flo were sure that this time, it was not as much a 'good bye' as a 'see you soon'.

A kiss on the cheek, a heartfelt embrace, and the promise to get to Boston as soon as she could manage.

* * *

><p>Boston. As close to Harvard as she'd ever been in all the years that passed.<p>

First thing she did on Monday morning was hand in her request for some time off. A fortnight off, actually. Anything less wouldn't suffice. She'd have a lot to work through in Boston. Boston was part of a past she'd denied to long having had. She'd just pray she wouldn't run into too much of it.

She watched Sofia reading her request through the open blinds of her office, studying her closely for any reaction the blonde had. Shoulders rose and fell. The hand that held the paperwork sank down to the surface of the wooden desk, slowly, fingers balling up to a fist beside the now discarded sheet of paper. Then her whole body tensed, and straightened back up into her usual upright pose. A quick and unfaltering signature, Eli knew Sofia had signed off on her vacation.

Breathing in deeply she rose from her seat at her cramped desk just opposite the office, patted invisible lint off her pants and vest and crossed the short distance to the door, knocking softly. Sofia looked up, her face a neutral mask, just like it had been ever since that night.

"Come in, Det. Trent."

With more confidence, Eli stepped in and quietly closed the door behind her.

"Thank you, Lieutenant." She shook her head towards the papers.

Sofia's expression took on an annoyed quality.

"You been watching me?"

A quick nod.

"Must be pretty important for you. Where you going?"

It wasn't asking. It was demanding, and it wasn't her place, but Eli indulged her to not slip into potentially dangerous territory. Fighting at work never did do any good.

"Boston." She simply said, calmly.

"Florentine?" The pitch of Sofia's voice rose, and there was this tiny hitch, she swallowed visibly and Eli almost had to look away.

"I don't think I want to discuss my vacation plans with you. I don't think I should. I just wanted to say thank you and -" Sofia's glance had fallen to her desk while she fiddled with her pen, and Eli knew she just had to get out of there. This wasn't healthy. This was hurting too much. "- I really appreciate it, since it's rather short notice."

Outside by the hallway there suddenly was a lot of commotion, officers were struggling to keep a man in cuffs walking while he was kicking and screaming.

"Is that-" Sofia rose so quickly from her seat that the chair fell over backwards.

"Fucking Connolly!" Eli spit out through clenched teeth.

Wilczek's baritone finally urged them into motion.

"Trent, get your fucking ass out here! Your guy, isn't he? So get a rein on him. Lieutenant?"

* * *

><p>The evening found Eli in the bar that had been the cop hangout around Headquarters for decades. Back in the day she'd avoided the place like the plague. She was a rookie, not young enough though to hang out with the other greenhornes, not experienced or accomplished enough to find her spot among the more seasoned officers and Detectives. Then she was accomplished, handed her Detective's shield way too fast for most of her colleagues liking, and still stood on the outside looking in.<p>

Now, running into old faces didn't scare her anymore. A lot had changed. Some of her academy year still worked the streets. Most were scattered all over the city's other Divisions. Sadly she'd had to find her training officer had been shot, just a good month after she'd left for Vegas. He was the only one she actually wished she could meet again. His strictness, his guidance, street wisdom and support had brought her through the first awful, scary months. Without his help and power of conviction, she'd never gotten the spot as Detective in training. He had busted her ass, in the best way possible.

A new bottle of beer replaced the empty one, and her eyes lifted up from her hands for the first time in quite a while. Francis just smiled across the table, his split lip giving him a maliciousness he didn't otherwise possess.

"You are quite busy thinking tonight, Eli. Care to share?"

A hint of a smile ghosted around the corners of Eli's mouth.

"No, I don't think so, man."

Wilczek sipped his Vodka and coke, his eyes not leaving Eli.

"Women?" His grin was teasing now.

"None of your fucking business." The smile grew.

"Never said it was. Got you smiling though."

"I really like you, you know?"

He lifted up his hands, palms facing Eli.

"Whoah there. I'm not into any kinky shit, so don't come knocking on my door. Anyway, anyone hearing you telling a dude you like him? Perfect material for so many ugly rumours, Trent."

Now she outright laughed.

"You're such a dick!"

"Likeable dick though."

"I might have just changed my mind about that..."

They both sat in silence, sipping their drinks while all around them the bar buzzed with activity, despite it being only Monday.

The jukebox played some Nina Simone and Eli felt the weight of the past weeks descend heavily onto her.

"Francis, I think I'm gonna head out early tonight." She rubbed her temples, feeling a mighty headache approaching.

Wilczek just huffed. "Go home. Get some thinking done. I think I'm gonna see whether the guys are up for a round of darts." He craned his neck and caught the eye of Det. Sanchez, who wasted no time hollering for him to join him and his crew at the bar.

While passing him, Eli's hand landed gently on Wilczek's shoulder.

"I meant it. I really like you."

His beefy, strong hand covered hers for just a second before he got up, too.

"I know. Stay strong, Trent. Have a good night. And get some sleep. I said some thinking, not the whole night through..."


End file.
